Learn to not compare yourself with others. Or have the same expectations of others you place on yourself, and vice versa. People are born into all types of circumstances. And then, circumstances change throughout life. Our trajectory is dependent in a sense. One man may have been born into a more privileged circumstance for example. … Continue reading Today →

https://cac.org/how-difficult-it-is-to-see-clearly-2021-02-28/

I think I need to work on quitting smoking weed. I've learned throughout these last several fucked up years that God is there. Like there there. Anytime, anywhere. For us. All of us. Even those mf's we can't stand. He wants to be there. For us to know He really is OK with are mess. … Continue reading Drugs and Jesus(un-reread/draft). →

I get these instant panics Like armageddon's landed They say it's symptomatic You know, Post Tramatic Some type of stress, who'd imagine? I feel like am always running Inside mind, and nerves likewise Little firefly's, but the angry kind Worry worry fast and fury Racing Crazy Hate me Shame me Entangled in this spider's web … Continue reading Tonight →

God is more in the mundane than anything. The Everyday. The grey. More than He is in our minds where we are so intently trying to find and bind Him. Get rid of the screens, all the teachings, doctrines and theories...and breathe in... God again. Live amidst Him. Not in your ideas of Him.

Noticed how online shopping and just anything online or media wise in general can keep us hooked. It keeps us out of reality. Our focus off the present. It enables us to avoid things. It numbs us in a sense. Out of touch. Not always bad, but never enough.

The man beaten on the side of the road and stripped by thieves. Unable to get back up on feet. It took the Samaritan to see him. As the holy walked by to their holy city. They left him, unattended. Satan is called a thief, a destroyer; where are we in the lives of those … Continue reading →

https://youtu.be/hf9GZ36m37E

We're called to be like Jesus. And then we go digging into almost everything in our beloved Scriptures, but the life of Jesus Himself. We are stuck in the laws and regulations. The ends and outs. The bells and whistles; and I don't see much of the four Gospels...Jesus's life on Earth and the example … Continue reading Like Who? →

I sit here at almost 37, wishing I had a father to talk to. Crying over it like I lost something. I put fragments together of the father figures I've had throughout my and imagine how they would guide me now? What wisdom they would give? What tone of voice they would have, what direction … Continue reading Just thinking of my situation and how to see it to help the next generations coming. →

Most the time, I am arguing with my own self. My own mind. Whether it's the weather I'm complaining about, or another...within or spoken. It is only my own thoughts and conclusions of the other. The feelings and assumptions..I own them. Or maybe they own me? Even my closet and dearest I see through a … Continue reading Most the Time →

I wonder if there are still any significant lessons to be found when it comes to the Jews(supposed chosen image bearers of God) not accepting a crucified Messiah, The Temple being destroyed, and God sending the Good News out to the Gentiles? God giving His promise that was meant for the Jews, to the ones … Continue reading Just thinking( draft) →

I've been questioning how real my love within really is? How Christ like, that is. Because more often that not, I find time and again...a forcing it. As if my sorries and apologies are nothing more than my own attempts to find forgiveness...for myself. A law like system in my mind I sense it. Or … Continue reading Today →

I want to apologize for anyone I did hurt during the last several years. I have been a hot mess. I never would have expected to get such bad depression. (But with my history of it, maybe I should have). I never knew those types of nights were possible again, and esp to that extent. … Continue reading Today →

Having horrible anxiety and smoking weed in attempts to fix it. I felt asked if it helped? To some extent. It makes it all more tolerable. This kind of anxiety is a painful thing. And that pain stayed, regardless of the lifting. But, there are other negative physical aspects it seems to suppress. Maybe slows … Continue reading Today (unedited). →

"I learned from poor and homeless organizers, when I was without health care and adequate housing, that poor people are not sinners-but poverty is a sin"......"Why do we worship a homeless person on Sunday and ignore one on Monday?" ~ Liz Theoharis Expert from Sojourners magazine March 2021 page 7.

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https://youtu.be/FPAeJrpmZM4

I began to lost heart, when I seen all that they invested in. Good times, comfort first. Dazzeling lights. Emotions high. Towers built, to the sky. Make it huge! Make it a sight! And they all get to go home; home to typically unbroken things. Light bills paid, good insurance, kids given more than they … Continue reading It Began →

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https://youtu.be/15CGKy3R4Es

There comes a point, or multiple points in ones life; where we must decide if we want heaven or hell. And not in the traditional sense. But, the deeper, possibly truest since. In the now. You know, here on earth. We surely choose our own heavens and hells. Every seed does produce after it's own … Continue reading Heaven or Hell →

Me just putting my thoughts on paper. Anxiety: We were surrounded by stimulants. Noises all around. Screens. Information. Advertisements. Voices. I wonder if we are biologically able to handle this and remain stress free? Or are we unconsciously trying to keep up, gather, process so much shit that we are harming ourselves? What kind of … Continue reading American Anxiety →

“We really wanted to make sure there was a service component to this,” Ms. Grose said. “Because there are a lot of stories about what the problem is and not a lot of solution-driven content.” https://www.nytimes.com/2021/02/06/insider/primal-scream-section.html

"Ironically, one of the few things I can say I truly know is that not-knowing and often not even needing to know is—surprise of surprises—a deeper way of knowing and a deeper falling into compassion. This is surely what the mystics mean by “death” and why they talk of it with so many metaphors. It is the essential transitioning."~Richard … Continue reading Dose →

It really has been bothering me, the Nationalism..mixed with Jesus and all that He was meant to represent. How history is so suitably fit..to those in controls best interest. People defend certain flags...declarations written by old ass men. We say historically such and such..and this and that..to defend our resentments and belief systems. We call … Continue reading →

Don't be assured that every message is palatable like sugar and spice. For many times it's conflicting, it gets to ya..it ain't always "right"(in feeling). But like earthen, imperfect vessels, that crack, leak, that need set right.. They may show forth their frame..from dust from clay..mud ..washed away. God breathes spirit..this part is life. Listen … Continue reading Don’t shoot the messenger lol (draft) →

Anytime I felt a resistance to listening, because it was in opposition to my own thoughts and feelings... Was when I ultimately should have let that ache, irk, pride, and bias die. Now I find more truth in their words, and it took more time and hurt to get me here. *This is in regards … Continue reading Reflecting →

You're much more a better friend, than they told me you were. You're much more a bigger confidant, than I thought before. Unholy they told me, religious feigning to be you're only resting place. You like what's broken though you told me, while you rocked me while you hold me. You get the conflict within … Continue reading Today(draft) →

With God, all things are possible. Not so with men. Our minds bend and twist. We make universes out of fragments, We name, we box in. We are the Kings. We are with sin. We don't look at it, Justify, justify, justify it. No crucify, crucify, crucifying. Unless it's them, it's always them, they are … Continue reading Today →

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https://youtu.be/f-ZaBPnGJVY

https://cac.org/my-story-2021-01-25/

I will always hear someone's words through my own interpretations of those words. The words are the shell, not the essence. The carrier of a message, not the complete message. We have to get beyond our own languages, and be insistent on learning the language of another. Soul language. What they really are trying to … Continue reading Pondering Kite Status →

Do many of us, if not the majority in our culture, resist the next cycles of life? Does the way we hold so tightly to youth, beauty, being desired, being relevant..speak of our spiritual deprivation? Is it misunderstanding of what it all represents and symbolizes? Death, rebirth, karma, resurrection. We want to stay in the … Continue reading Pondering/Karma/symbolism/Rebirth →

Something running across my soul a lot lately is the idea of showing grace toward the other, the "enemy" of my ego and pride in particular and more "judgment" towards myself. Not judgment as we might be use to understanding it; but rather just looking at myself, and honestly working soley on myself. In thought … Continue reading Themes →

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https://youtu.be/zulKcYItKIA

I'm not good at life

Unlike Jesus, we are usually much more concerned with how people get "saved", than if they get there... We are much more dedicated to gaining the wisdom and experience of becoming the healers and elders, than we are dedicated to those in need of healing and leaders. We want a specific formula, enough prayer and … Continue reading Today →

I'm so tired, so worn out Nothing slows down for me I get no recess No Sabbath in sight. I cannot find. Stress will be the death of me, if not me.

This makes me want to cry!! Lol, remember emotional dysregulation. But, just thinking of how I've always been told to control myself, or considered to be too much, wanting attention. I've always sort of wrestled inside, because many have said things concerning my behavior or actions, or assumed things about them... and I've always felt … Continue reading Watch “Neural basis for symptoms of emotion dysregulation in people with BPD” on YouTube →

I see The Creator, God, as looking a lot more like Jesus than we've made "him" out to be. A lot more, in that he is not as interested in how people are made whole, as long as they are made whole. Not as consumed with the loop holes and right sayings and thinking (man … Continue reading I See God →

We are all living in judgement; and we are the judges, judging.

https://youtu.be/0VzbaG1rodA

May I be honest with you? ...I'm just trying to whether this storm. Maybe I shall stop kicking and wailing so frantically, so alarmingly? Maybe I shall let this beat however it desires against me? Grasping for air wildly Hoping to breathe Let it cover me, sink me, carry me, move me... There comes this … Continue reading Today →

https://youtu.be/glKe9njOB24

Advocating for your own mental health in a world of stigma and misunderstanding can be tiring, taxing, and seem so pointless at times. Don't give up. Keep fighting. People will have their many opinions and ideas. Some will give up fighting for you and beside you. It's OK. They don't get it. If they can't … Continue reading Today →

"The shadow is a moral problem that challenges the whole ego-personality, for no one can become conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort. To become conscious of it involves recognizing the dark aspects of the personality as present and real. This act is the essential condition for any kind of self-knowledge." ~ Carl Jung

I am in that house again. The one Jesus is at. I am at the table. This time I have my head down on the table and I am pulling my hair and then punching myself in the face over and over. I'm sure this is just my own imagination. Symbolic of how much I … Continue reading Today →

What are the challenges and difficulties that the poor, widow, and fatherless faced, that would cause God to repeatedly remind Israel, and then as Jesus did in His ministry; to consider their well being in particular?

I want to be free from these pains that keep me from being a loving, kind, hopeful person.

https://youtu.be/nEX-9exMc1A

I am finding it difficult trying to persuade myself that my mind is the problem. That I can’t trust my own view of things.

I'm listening to The BadChristian Podcast | #534 Republican Jesus on Podbean, check it out! https://www.podbean.com/ea/dir-ecsnf-b2b9add

I have to accept that I am a “sinner”. A broken man In need of more than I can perform by my human hands I have to be OK with this wretched man; not to want to stay the same...but to understand His pains and aches and all that quakes His rage and shame and … Continue reading Today →

https://youtu.be/3EGIlQyEwvE

I don’t seem to even fight thoughts of dying anymore I welcome it I want it

Why would anyone consider suicide? For me, it was always about the relentless feeling inside. I've described it as best as I can in other posts. But, to keep it brief it is like a tormenting feeling inside of you. That makes you want to do anything to escape it. As I've gotten older, other … Continue reading Today →

I think there are deep seated truths to my critiques of the church and it’s people. I just might not go about it all the right way. It’s not resentment; but a feeling of profound confusion from seeing what poverty and struggle is like first hand, and seeing how people respond to it.

Depression is not your ordinary melancholy sadness. It is far more long lasting. Far more debilitating and far more painful than a mood or attitude problem. It steals lives. And the lives of those connected to its oppressed. It is much deeper. It is profound sorrow. People don’t understand why many would choose death over … Continue reading Clinical Depression →

I need stillness, I need quite, I need silence to get by....and I seldom ever get this So much shit All around me It don’t quit I can’t handle too many noises.... what is it, I don’t get it I need limits I tried to fix this I went everywhere and to everyone imaginable in … Continue reading Today →

Unfortunately, most my holidays are spent having flashbacks and being nervous for the present ones. Mine have been known to be filled with arguing, drunkenness, not eating because everyone fought too much before the food was done, and the ever present fear of shit escalating and pistols once again being pointed at heads. It’s always … Continue reading Holiday PTSD →

“I am my own muse. The subject I know best. The subject I want to know better,” ~Frida Kahlo

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/greg-boyd-apologies-explanations/id1121364768

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/greg-boyd-apologies-explanations/id1121364768

What if I told you I don’t want to do this no more? Like really don’t. Would you get it? Would you get that I’ve fought, and fought as hard as I can imagine? Would my fight be enough for you? Would you believe I want to be this happy person, this doting mother, this … Continue reading Today →

The Quest for the Historical Paul - Biblical Archaeology Society — Read on http://www.biblicalarchaeology.org/daily/people-cultures-in-the-bible/people-in-the-bible/the-quest-for-the-historical-paul/

Language is man made. If you couldn't use words, definitions, lingo or logic?...How would you then speak/relate/feel out God? Shhhhhh——-listen....hush——-be still. No comprehension, limitless.

Life, the great dilemma. Where you are the hero, the villain, the god and the victim.

Me: God, I’m so neurotic. I’ve always been so negative... God?: Start praising everything. Sing praises of what good you see, in people and in things. See only the good, even in your thought life.... Me: 😒....

We are all living in judgement; and we are the judges, judging.

I've had my fists raised towards the heavens and I've been cursing at them lately. Like Job, I am prone to question the goodness and kindness of a God who allows so much carnage. As I pondered this the other night, the story of God giving men dominion over the whole earth came to mind. … Continue reading Wondering Aloud →

My minds a rebel, yeah she’s a bitch She starts all the trouble, on her thrown she sits.

We must not raise our fists in rage hollering, conquer them, conquer them. No more for them!! We must join hands, hang our heads and whisper, heal our lands, heal our lands. All of them.

Understanding the Other: Mentalizing with Attachment Theory | Psychology Today — Read on http://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-change/202010/understanding-the-other-mentalizing-attachment-theory?amp

God, why would you want me? Because I love what’s broken. That don’t make sense though.... It never does.

I’m afraid of what might happen when the pain pills they gave me fade away and I am left to my own to numb it. The physical pain is doable, the fact it likewise dulls the emotions, this is what I fear.

http://www.youtube.com/watch

https://youtu.be/9IOpECoetTI

Play — Read on http://www.wandtv.com/content/tncms/live/

It would be nice to find a place to lay in the sun and give up the ghost.

The Uniquely Kingdom Approach to Abortion The unique Kingdom approach to abortion doesn’t focus on figuring out the “right” political solution, getting “the right” candidates into office or getting the “right” bills passed. As with everything else about the Kingdom, it rather focuses on manifesting the self-sacrificial love of God towards women with unwanted pregnancies … Continue reading Abortion and Kingdom People, excerpt by Greg Boyd. →

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https://youtu.be/9odhqCEpaEg

I wish I would have cherished them more; those little moments, that at the time being, you don’t realize are little moments... It is a paradoxical blessing: having to rely completely on God.

When we are able to help a mother deal with her mental health, we are essentially reaching the whole family," says author Dr. Marian Earls.

https://youtu.be/zeNiYsIaugw

Jesus Jesus Save me save me Jesus Jesus Change me change me I’m not who I want to be Mentally nor emotionally Stormy seas Speak peace Hush me Jesus Jesus Forgive me I’m not who I want to be Light emptied Pretending Not even that anymore They see me I feel like whatever has hit … Continue reading Today →

https://youtu.be/U9OYW4JBWXI

I’ve noticed I’ve become somewhat numb to death lately. Maybe it’s just that I don’t fear it like I once did? Or my views of the afterlife have changed? Four people around my age recently died. All within the last several months. Two of them I was closer to, the other two were a former … Continue reading Life and Death →

Grace, you’ll carry us. Today marks exactly one year since I took my last antidepressant medication. Yesterday I got a big fat rejection and it still…PAINSTAKINGLY TRANSITIONING.