Note: I think a lot of what I write are projections. It has taken me a long time to understand this. But, I am trying to figure out how all that works. So with that said, keep in mind that much of this stuff is what I should be preaching to myself alone, I just … Continue reading Ah Shit
There is no excuse for mental illness Twisted, demented, stigma My whole life I've been mislabeled, fed RX's, drugged and numbed in attempts to fix it. There's no excuse for mental sickness God forbid you can't pick yourself up out of bed when the morning arrives..it's amazing enough you survived the cold of night..alive God … Continue reading There’s NO Excuse for Mental Illness
Anxiety Is in Your Body, Not Your Mind | by Emma Pattee | Apr, 2021 | Elemental https://elemental.medium.com/anxiety-is-in-your-body-not-your-mind-93031abd14eb
I am learning I might have to accept having these mental health challenges. And not that I try to avoid them or let them overcome me; but admit they are real and challenging, and maybe I need to stop resisting them. I’ve dealt with these things for most my life. All of it, if anything. … Continue reading My Story( unfinished and edited I like to share my writing process).
Feeding the 5,000. What if the biggest miracle is in the principle of this story? Would it not be a miraculous thing, to see the hearts of men so transformed that they would take what they had; and in faith divide it amongst the "hungry" ripe on the vine, community in search of hope? That … Continue reading Miracles
If we were to be a walking, talking, synoptic Gospel, what would that look like? Riddle me this.
Pay what you owe Don't buy what you want And give what is needed. Riddle me this
I felt like God was asking me to read today's devotional(it's actually my sons, and him and I randomly will read it here and there). And before I did so, I felt Him( whome I call God) ask me to hesitate. And He asked me(I felt so, not some audible voice) if I would actually … Continue reading Today
Why can you use Jesus as an example? For your beliefs and actions. To tell me to be kind and loving, gentle and meek? You tell me I am not Christ like.. my life, my speech. I get it, I'm not perfect, I'm working on it. He's working on me. But why can’t I use … Continue reading Today
You’re religion taught me God is a monster; you gave me the law and the prophets and walked me not through the Gospels. Your example was that He surely does abandon, He is not as tolerant for my sobbing, and He can’t handle my pain...I am the problem... and it was up to me alone … Continue reading Retrospect
Just as I have noticed the many things I was once critical of in others become manifested in my life: things I thought were "sinful and un-godly", evil, worldly you name it... I am also noticing the same things I have accused others of(religious systems in particular) not doing (Christ like service, giving, thinking, sacrifice, … Continue reading Today
Our discernment should be on what's right or wrong. Just or unjust. Merciful or merciless. Loving or hateful. Life Giving or Destructive. Selfless or Selfish. Humble or Prideful. Truthful or Misinterpreted. Intentional or Mistaken. Holy or Unholy. In whose best interest? Heaven on Earth or some other wickedness? Not some mind twisting, encrypted, one million … Continue reading Discernment
To the man with all the flags in his yard that read: God-Trump-And Guns, Get rid of Joe and the Hoe, and Trump is my President and Jesus my Savior. Also, to my critics who critique me for being a critic of the church. For those that say the church is not perfect; well neither … Continue reading Why Don’t We Preach This?
We want to be THE BODY of Christ when it implies gathering, studying, missions trips, spiritual experiences and outings... When it gives us a microphone, a voice, a purpose. A stage, a song, a personal reason. When it gives us a name, or the feeling of power and pride in our "goodness". Yet, we want … Continue reading Convenience
Learn to not compare yourself with others. Or have the same expectations of others you place on yourself, and vice versa. People are born into all types of circumstances. And then, circumstances change throughout life. Our trajectory is dependent in a sense. One man may have been born into a more privileged circumstance for example. … Continue reading Today
I think I need to work on quitting smoking weed. I've learned throughout these last several fucked up years that God is there. Like there there. Anytime, anywhere. For us. All of us. Even those mf's we can't stand. He wants to be there. For us to know He really is OK with our mess. … Continue reading Drugs and Jesus(un-reread/draft).
I get these instant panics Like armageddon's landed They say it's symptomatic You know, Post Tramatic Some type of stress, who'd imagine? I feel like am always running Inside mind, and nerves likewise Little firefly's, but the angry kind Worry worry fast and fury Racing Crazy Hate me Shame me Entangled in this spider's web … Continue reading Tonight
God is more in the mundane than anything. The Everyday. The grey. More than He is in our minds where we are so intently trying to find and bind Him. Get rid of the screens, all the teachings, doctrines and theories...and breathe in... God again. Live amidst Him. Not in your ideas of Him.
Noticed how online shopping and just anything online or media wise in general can keep us hooked. It keeps us out of reality. Our focus off the present. It enables us to avoid things. It numbs us in a sense. Out of touch. Not always bad, but never enough.
The man beaten on the side of the road and stripped by thieves. Unable to get back up on feet. It took the Samaritan to see him. As the holy walked by to their holy city. They left him, unattended. Satan is called a thief, a destroyer; where are we in the lives of those … Continue reading
We're called to be like Jesus. And then we go digging into almost everything in our beloved Scriptures, but the life of Jesus Himself. We are stuck in the laws and regulations. The ends and outs. The bells and whistles; and I don't see much of the four Gospels...Jesus's life on Earth and the example … Continue reading Like Who?
I sit here at almost 37, wishing I had a father to talk to. Crying over it like I lost something. I put fragments together of the father figures I've had throughout my and imagine how they would guide me now? What wisdom they would give? What tone of voice they would have, what direction … Continue reading Just thinking of my situation and how to see it to help the next generations coming.
Most the time, I am arguing with my own self. My own mind. Whether it's the weather I'm complaining about, or another...within or spoken. It is only my own thoughts and conclusions of the other. The feelings and assumptions..I own them. Or maybe they own me? Even my closet and dearest I see through a … Continue reading Most the Time
I wonder if there are still any significant lessons to be found when it comes to the Jews(supposed chosen image bearers of God) not accepting a crucified Messiah, The Temple being destroyed, and God sending the Good News out to the Gentiles? God giving His promise that was meant for the Jews, to the ones … Continue reading Just thinking( draft)
I've been questioning how real my love within really is? How Christ like, that is. Because more often that not, I find time and again...a forcing it. As if my sorries and apologies are nothing more than my own attempts to find forgiveness...for myself. A law like system in my mind I sense it. Or … Continue reading Today
I want to apologize for anyone I did hurt during the last several years. I have been a hot mess. I never would have expected to get such bad depression. (But with my history of it, maybe I should have). I never knew those types of nights were possible again, and esp to that extent. … Continue reading Today
Having horrible anxiety and smoking weed in attempts to fix it. I felt asked if it helped? To some extent. It makes it all more tolerable. This kind of anxiety is a painful thing. And that pain stayed, regardless of the lifting. But, there are other negative physical aspects it seems to suppress. Maybe slows … Continue reading Today (unedited).
"I learned from poor and homeless organizers, when I was without health care and adequate housing, that poor people are not sinners-but poverty is a sin"......"Why do we worship a homeless person on Sunday and ignore one on Monday?" ~ Liz Theoharis Expert from Sojourners magazine March 2021 page 7.
I began to lost heart, when I seen all that they invested in. Good times, comfort first. Dazzeling lights. Emotions high. Towers built, to the sky. Make it huge! Make it a sight! And they all get to go home; home to typically unbroken things. Light bills paid, good insurance, kids given more than they … Continue reading It Began
There comes a point, or multiple points in ones life; where we must decide if we want heaven or hell. And not in the traditional sense. But, the deeper, possibly truest since. In the now. You know, here on earth. We surely choose our own heavens and hells. Every seed does produce after it's own … Continue reading Heaven or Hell
Me just putting my thoughts on paper. Anxiety: We were surrounded by stimulants. Noises all around. Screens. Information. Advertisements. Voices. I wonder if we are biologically able to handle this and remain stress free? Or are we unconsciously trying to keep up, gather, process so much shit that we are harming ourselves? What kind of … Continue reading American Anxiety
“We really wanted to make sure there was a service component to this,” Ms. Grose said. “Because there are a lot of stories about what the problem is and not a lot of solution-driven content.” https://www.nytimes.com/2021/02/06/insider/primal-scream-section.html
"Ironically, one of the few things I can say I truly know is that not-knowing and often not even needing to know is—surprise of surprises—a deeper way of knowing and a deeper falling into compassion. This is surely what the mystics mean by “death” and why they talk of it with so many metaphors. It is the essential transitioning."~Richard … Continue reading Dose
It really has been bothering me, the Nationalism..mixed with Jesus and all that He was meant to represent. How history is so suitably fit..to those in controls best interest. People defend certain flags...declarations written by old ass men. We say historically such and such..and this and that..to defend our resentments and belief systems. We call … Continue reading
Don't be assured that every message is palatable like sugar and spice. For many times it's conflicting, it gets to ya..it ain't always "right"(in feeling). But like earthen, imperfect vessels, that crack, leak, that need set right.. They may show forth their frame..from dust from clay..mud ..washed away. God breathes spirit..this part is life. Listen … Continue reading Don’t shoot the messenger lol (draft)
Anytime I felt a resistance to listening, because it was in opposition to my own thoughts and feelings... Was when I ultimately should have let that ache, irk, pride, and bias die. Now I find more truth in their words, and it took more time and hurt to get me here. *This is in regards … Continue reading Reflecting
"Any interpretation of a biblical text that would not have made any sense to the author of the text and to his original, intended audience should be roundly rejected,” he stated.(YEEEEESSSS clears throat) According to Harlow, the mark of the beast is a symbol of the Roman empire’s oppressive political, social and religious system. The … Continue reading Context and Reality
You're much more a better friend, than they told me you were. You're much more a bigger confidant, than I thought before. Unholy they told me, religious feigning to be you're only resting place. You like what's broken though you told me, while you rocked me while you hold me. You get the conflict within … Continue reading Today(draft)
I don't feed into the worry about what exactly the "mark of the beast" is anymore now a days. We really have lost our ability to think beyond the material world and in a transcendent, spiritual, symbolic sense. We don't even look back far enough to see how young and immature the idea of Biblical … Continue reading Pondering The Mark
With God, all things are possible. Not so with men. Our minds bend and twist. We make universes out of fragments, We name, we box in. We are the Kings. We are with sin. We don't look at it, Justify, justify, justify it. No crucify, crucify, crucifying. Unless it's them, it's always them, they are … Continue reading Today
I will always hear someone's words through my own interpretations of those words. The words are the shell, not the essence. The carrier of a message, not the complete message. We have to get beyond our own languages, and be insistent on learning the language of another. Soul language. What they really are trying to … Continue reading Pondering Kite Status
Do many of us, if not the majority in our culture, resist the next cycles of life? Does the way we hold so tightly to youth, beauty, being desired, being relevant..speak of our spiritual deprivation? Is it misunderstanding of what it all represents and symbolizes? Death, rebirth, karma, resurrection. We want to stay in the … Continue reading Pondering/Karma/symbolism/Rebirth
Something running across my soul a lot lately is the idea of showing grace toward the other, the "enemy" of my ego and pride in particular and more "judgment" towards myself. Not judgment as we might be use to understanding it; but rather just looking at myself, and honestly working soley on myself. In thought … Continue reading Themes
I think a lot, more than normal. The craziest thing for me that I find; is that I don't have to think to write. I just write.
The Western Church is so stuck in head knowledge. We fear the "heart" and yet use only a few verses to back up our reasons. Maybe not knowing in Jewish thought, the heart had a lot more to do with our mind and thinking; than our intuition, the center where we at times feel something … Continue reading Pondering
I'm not good at life
Unlike Jesus, we are usually much more concerned with how people get "saved", than if they get there... We are much more dedicated to gaining the wisdom and experience of becoming the healers and elders, than we are dedicated to those in need of healing and leaders. We want a specific formula, enough prayer and … Continue reading Today
I'm so tired, so worn out Nothing slows down for me I get no recess No Sabbath in sight. I cannot find. Stress will be the death of me, if not me.
This makes me want to cry!! Lol, remember emotional dysregulation. But, just thinking of how I've always been told to control myself, or considered to be too much, wanting attention. I've always sort of wrestled inside, because many have said things concerning my behavior or actions, or assumed things about them... and I've always felt … Continue reading Watch “Neural basis for symptoms of emotion dysregulation in people with BPD” on YouTube
I see The Creator, God, as looking a lot more like Jesus than we've made "him" out to be. A lot more, in that he is not as interested in how people are made whole, as long as they are made whole. Not as consumed with the loop holes and right sayings and thinking (man … Continue reading I See God
We are all living in judgement; and we are the judges, judging.
May I be honest with you? ...I'm just trying to whether this storm. Maybe I shall stop kicking and wailing so frantically, so alarmingly? Maybe I shall let this beat however it desires against me? Grasping for air wildly Hoping to breathe Let it cover me, sink me, carry me, move me... There comes this … Continue reading Today
Advocating for your own mental health in a world of stigma and misunderstanding can be tiring, taxing, and seem so pointless at times. Don't give up. Keep fighting. People will have their many opinions and ideas. Some will give up fighting for you and beside you. It's OK. They don't get it. If they can't … Continue reading Today
"The shadow is a moral problem that challenges the whole ego-personality, for no one can become conscious of the shadow without considerable moral effort. To become conscious of it involves recognizing the dark aspects of the personality as present and real. This act is the essential condition for any kind of self-knowledge." ~ Carl Jung
I am in that house again. The one Jesus is at. I am at the table. This time I have my head down on the table and I am pulling my hair and then punching myself in the face over and over. I'm sure this is just my own imagination. Symbolic of how much I … Continue reading Today
What are the challenges and difficulties that the poor, widow, and fatherless faced, that would cause God to repeatedly remind Israel, and then as Jesus did in His ministry; to consider their well being in particular?
I've had this saved neatly in a folder for I suppose just a time as this. It had been given to me with a few other prayers some years ago, and I've just had them tucked away ever since. I came back across this folder yesterday while looking for documents I needed. I originally kept … Continue reading His Constance
I want to be free from these pains that keep me from being a loving, kind, hopeful person.
I am finding it difficult trying to persuade myself that my mind is the problem. That I can’t trust my own view of things.
I'm listening to The BadChristian Podcast | #534 Republican Jesus on Podbean, check it out! https://www.podbean.com/ea/dir-ecsnf-b2b9add
I have to accept that I am a “sinner”. A broken man In need of more than I can perform by my human hands I have to be OK with this wretched man; not to want to stay the same...but to understand His pains and aches and all that quakes His rage and shame and … Continue reading Today
I don’t seem to even fight thoughts of dying anymore I welcome it I want it
Why would anyone consider suicide? For me, it was always about the relentless feeling inside. I've described it as best as I can in other posts. But, to keep it brief it is like a tormenting feeling inside of you. That makes you want to do anything to escape it. As I've gotten older, other … Continue reading Today
I think there are deep seated truths to my critiques of the church and it’s people. I just might not go about it all the right way. It’s not resentment; but a feeling of profound confusion from seeing what poverty and struggle is like first hand, and seeing how people respond to it.
Depression is not your ordinary melancholy sadness. It is far more long lasting. Far more debilitating and far more painful than a mood or attitude problem. It steals lives. And the lives of those connected to its oppressed. It is much deeper. It is profound sorrow. People don’t understand why many would choose death over … Continue reading Clinical Depression
I need stillness, I need quite, I need silence to get by....and I seldom ever get this So much shit All around me It don’t quit I can’t handle too many noises.... what is it, I don’t get it I need limits I tried to fix this I went everywhere and to everyone imaginable in … Continue reading Today
Unfortunately, most my holidays are spent having flashbacks and being nervous for the present ones. Mine have been known to be filled with arguing, drunkenness, not eating because everyone fought too much before the food was done, and the ever present fear of shit escalating and pistols once again being pointed at heads. It’s always … Continue reading Holiday PTSD
“I am my own muse. The subject I know best. The subject I want to know better,” ~Frida Kahlo
What if I told you I don’t want to do this no more? Like really don’t. Would you get it? Would you get that I’ve fought, and fought as hard as I can imagine? Would my fight be enough for you? Would you believe I want to be this happy person, this doting mother, this … Continue reading Today
The Quest for the Historical Paul - Biblical Archaeology Society — Read on http://www.biblicalarchaeology.org/daily/people-cultures-in-the-bible/people-in-the-bible/the-quest-for-the-historical-paul/
Language is man made. If you couldn't use words, definitions, lingo or logic?...How would you then speak/relate/feel out God? Shhhhhh——-listen....hush——-be still. No comprehension, limitless.
Life, the great dilemma. Where you are the hero, the villain, the god and the victim.
Me: God, I’m so neurotic. I’ve always been so negative... God?: Start praising everything. Sing praises of what good you see, in people and in things. See only the good, even in your thought life.... Me: 😒....
We are all living in judgement; and we are the judges, judging.
I've had my fists raised towards the heavens and I've been cursing at them lately. Like Job, I am prone to question the goodness and kindness of a God who allows so much carnage. As I pondered this the other night, the story of God giving men dominion over the whole earth came to mind. … Continue reading Wondering Aloud
My minds a rebel, yeah she’s a bitch She starts all the trouble, on her thrown she sits.
We must not raise our fists in rage hollering, conquer them, conquer them. No more for them!! We must join hands, hang our heads and whisper, heal our lands, heal our lands. All of them.
Understanding the Other: Mentalizing with Attachment Theory | Psychology Today — Read on http://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-change/202010/understanding-the-other-mentalizing-attachment-theory?amp
God, why would you want me? Because I love what’s broken. That don’t make sense though.... It never does.
I’m afraid of what might happen when the pain pills they gave me fade away and I am left to my own to numb it. The physical pain is doable, the fact it likewise dulls the emotions, this is what I fear.
Play — Read on http://www.wandtv.com/content/tncms/live/
It would be nice to find a place to lay in the sun and give up the ghost.
The Uniquely Kingdom Approach to Abortion The unique Kingdom approach to abortion doesn’t focus on figuring out the “right” political solution, getting “the right” candidates into office or getting the “right” bills passed. As with everything else about the Kingdom, it rather focuses on manifesting the self-sacrificial love of God towards women with unwanted pregnancies … Continue reading Abortion and Kingdom People, excerpt by Greg Boyd.
I wish I would have cherished them more; those little moments, that at the time being, you don’t realize are little moments... It is a paradoxical blessing: having to rely completely on God.
When we are able to help a mother deal with her mental health, we are essentially reaching the whole family," says author Dr. Marian Earls.
If we are going to compare and contrast each others spiritual lives, then it should be on relatively similar grounds. Stormy seas typically do rock the boat and cause fear and dread to arise. And when the sky is blue we feel a little more at ease right? Even Thomas and Peter, John the baptist, … Continue reading The Vine and It’s Branches
It’s not that I want my world to change(the things around me). Even though I complain and it may seem that way. But in reality, I just want this pain inside to subside. It’s not a subtle thing, it’s intense. Like an itch... That you can’t quite scratch, yet it doesn’t itch.... It pan-ics It … Continue reading Anxiety
Jesus Jesus Save me save me Jesus Jesus Change me change me I’m not who I want to be Mentally nor emotionally Stormy seas Speak peace Hush me Jesus Jesus Forgive me I’m not who I want to be Light emptied Pretending Not even that anymore They see me I feel like whatever has hit … Continue reading Today
I’ve noticed I’ve become somewhat numb to death lately. Maybe it’s just that I don’t fear it like I once did? Or my views of the afterlife have changed? Four people around my age recently died. All within the last several months. Two of them I was closer to, the other two were a former … Continue reading Life and Death
"It is better to do wrong seldom and to own it, and to act right for the most part, than seldom to admit that you have done wrong and to do wrong often." ~Epictetus
Am I exposing to many truths, like ego self abuse? Or is this what really is 100 proof? I’ve found there is release in mentioning all my many many tragedies..even if many are actually quite stigmatizing and possibly embarrassing 💁🏻🙈 But shit, it is what is, and this is my fucking reality. At times it’s … Continue reading Tonight
I'm honestly really tired. I am ready. I don't want to be living this anymore. Constant ache, constant pain. I can't keep up. I finally feel bold enough to be OK with the thought of non-existence. Esp when the whole of one's existence has been more torment of mind and emotions inside than anything else. … Continue reading Today
God here I am again, I'm tired and I'm over it I am ill equipped to handle this I don't get it, I'm a deficit There is no joy, I can't find it I feel lost....inside this I am not human.this can't be it You made them stronger, I'm something less than Cuz as much … Continue reading Today
Enter at your own risk, I'm lost in thought and have no script I think a lot, I'm prone to fits I've been fucked up, still at 36 I feel like Rogue, that X-Men chic I have to watch who I touch, who I open up with I mean well, but my mind is a … Continue reading I’ve Told you Before, I Don’t Know What it is, So you Title It.
How do I find help, Without time for myself? People are under vast amounts of stress, in who knows what particular areas... it’s all personal, contingent upon so much. Those that need help, have to find methods that work well for them, and then be consistent and also make time for it. Who has time … Continue reading Today
Grace, you’ll carry us. Today marks exactly one year since I took my last antidepressant medication. Yesterday I got a big fat rejection and it still…PAINSTAKINGLY TRANSITIONING.
The best way I can express these things today, is in these unspoken words I say I am fucking a nut case and I know it, got a few screws loose I might show it Don't worry I ain't too sturdy, a lot of bark a little bite..just ...quirky..just hurting I have had a rage … Continue reading By Best Attempts at Describing It.
God all I can ask, is help me love again. Put it deep down in my heart, let it be real within. May your light expel the darkness in this soul..Light shine in. Jesus enter here...show me where love begins......
The things that happened to Jesus the Nazarene, who was a prophet mighty in deed and word before God and all the people, … we were hoping that he …Jesus on the road to Emmaus. The model of spiritual accompaniment.
God, I find it hard to believe you love me yet still...still through all my inconsistencies.... Not too many men, will love a man, through all of their inconsistencies...their many, many inconsistencies...................
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. He to whome this "emotion" is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder, or stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead. His eyes are closed. ~Albert Einstein
I love Greg Boyd: Apologies & Explanations | What About People Who Live Christlike Lives Who Know Nothing About Christ?, let's play it! https://www.podbean.com/ea/dir-6m35v-87dd669
"The opposite of loving your neighbor is not always hating them, but just being indifferent to them." ~Jim Wallis
I love Reclaiming Jesus Now with Jim Wallis | What About Jesus?, let's play it! https://www.podbean.com/ea/dir-mr57e-6e49c63
Like the blind beggers they want to silence me. They don't understand the desperation. The reason for wailing, for my lament. The hopeless can be so persistent it makes others think different...Jesus, should we shut them up!? They cry out to us, but Jesus' you don't need that stuff. They cry, they moan, like madmen..we … Continue reading Send Whom Lord?
You will never have the other, those unlike you...draw near, come close, feel welcomed; as long as you continue to treat them..unlike you. She replied, “That’s true, Lord, but even the dogs under the table are allowed to eat the scraps from the children’s plates.”Mark 7:28