Why Can’t I be Stonger?

I have come to moan. To have a pitty party. May I?

Why can’t I be stronger? Why can’t I handle life like other’s? I have many reasons life is hard, but I see others in similar situations making it. Or more! Killing it!

Single motherhood or maybe just life, has the best of me. The upper-hand.

I feel very inadequate, incapable, unable…discouraged..unmotivated..woe is me.

I get overwhelmed very easily. Agitated. Anxious. It can be debilitating. I so badly want to overcome these seemingly normal obstacles..but why can’t I? Again, many others are doing it. Single mother’s with even more up against them..I feel so weak at times.

I have a few excuses I suppose. But, where do they come into play? When is it OK to allow them to be excuses?

I suffer from extreme anxiety. And like I said in an earlier post, I believe I have undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. So, I know these probably have a significant influence in my life. OVER my life.

But where do I go from here?

I desire extreme organization to feel comfortable. I need even the mundane to be neatly compartmentalized.

If my house is not in order: most dishes done, laundry put up(or out of sight for later)..this seems to debilitate be from doing other things; let alone feeling at ease.

I recently quit my job. This has been a struggle for me over the years. I was actually doing really well though; at least up until having another son after 13 years(I have a 14 and 9 month old). This transition has been very hard for me.

But, after having the last week off, I’ve been able to keep my house “together”! And it’s been amazing how much calmer the state of my heart and mind have been!! But over a house? Over order?

I’ve been a happier person too: Cooking more. Patient. It’s just been better at home. But, why? How can not working for a few nights out of the week contribute to this?

I feel guilty. For expecting my house and home to be in order, over working. Or allowing part-time work to be so difficult. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I want to be able to handle life. To be strong. To not let such normal things have control. I don’t want to be lazy, not working. This is not my aspiration. I actually enjoy work! It’s therapeutic. I gets me away. And it’s good for me…until I get so overwhelmed..and decide I just can’t do it.

Maybe it’s not just work or work in general that is the problem? Maybe that is just the one thing I cut out, in order to have less weight on my shoulders? But, then comes the burden of bills, needs…

I basically feel unable to juggle it all. All my responsibilities: house/home, motherhood and all that comes with it: bills, work, relationships. I need everything going well. I struggle with any of it being out of whack.

I also am a person who NEEDS quite time. I can’t take all the “noise” for too long. Before having my baby, I was able to take this time for myself more. It was a ritual of sorts: Waking up, all is still..calm. I could pray, read…. prepare myself. This has been a long gone part of my life since having my son.

I know I could work harder at incorporating it into my day. But, for some reason that’s been harder than it sounds for me.

My social life has shifted. I use to frequent Bible studies, church, and other things that brought a lot of satisfaction and support to my life…these are things I have found hard to do lately also. They have become more of a chore now. They are just a lot harder to make happen with all that has changed in my life.

My point I guess is that I get so easily anxious and end up despairing to the brink of..giving up. It’s a vicious cycle. I don’t know what to do, what to excuse, what to call it, or how to view it?

I feel alone…unstable…unable. I’m embarrassed and ashamed.

Do I just give it time? Wait till my youngest is a little older and than try to work? Maybe. But how to get by until then? Bum? Bug? Ask? I can’t do that. I definitely don’t have anyone within my immediate family able to support me. Not really financially, emotionally..none of it. I feel they are just as broken in these areas as I am.

I feel ashamed of my issues. My unsteady, shifting emotions. My inability to hang on. To succeed. To at least keep up. Sigh.

Thank you WordPress. You are a faithful friend. A listening, non-judgemental ear, whom I have been turning to since I was introduced to you. I can back up my dump truck ..beep beep..beep(gotta have the sound effects), pull the lever(and the visuals) and for a symbolic moment..release my load. God bless you pal.

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