I’ve gotten better at apologising. It’s not always been easy. But, it has gotten better. Something did hit me today concerning apologies though, and how I tend to go about them.
There are many times I see the self centeredness in them. My apologies that is. I catch myself wanting to do it, because it makes ME feel better. It frees ME, gets ME, “in the all clear with God”. It’s like a duty I must check off. And rarely do I actually consider the other person, whom I’ve wronged. It’s all about my feelings. Myself feeling better.
I catch myself wanting to explain my offenses away with my apologies.
Justifications. Reasons. Something else is to blame..not me.
And I am not saying there is anything inherently wrong with this. There are reasons I hurt, offend, and ultimately need to apologize. And it is good to find freedom and remove a burden from oneself. We are to offer ourselves grace and forgiveness too. But I just catch myself wanting to still make it more about myself, rather than the one I have wounded.
Instead of just humbling myself and admitting I was wrong; it’s like I still am wanting to blame something else. Clearing my name in a sense. Not keeping the one I have wronged at the heart of the matter.
I’ve always considered these apologies overall good and received well. And I am sure I am over thinking it to a degree. I am good at that. I just can’t help but sense the pride in me that is at play though, when I catch myself saying sorry.
It stings a little more to just leave it at “I messed up and I am wrong.” That seems too hard. I want to let myself off the hook a little more.
Adding a little “spoon full of sugar”..seems to help it go down a little easier. But, I just don’t know if I am really getting anywhere anymore with the sugar added. Actually letting the humility and admittance to the wrong, do it’s work: transformation.
Agian, there are many times a wrong does need an explanation. But when those explanations begin to justify, excuse, persist, shift blame..scape goat..I just don’t know how genuine they can be.