My Struggle with Mental Illness.

I would say my biggest discouragement/hurt when it comes to battling mental illness(depression, anxiety, presumed BPD); has been getting others to understand or even believe me.

Unlike physical ailments that can be more readily diagnosed and recognized by the layman; this stuff is not so. It cannot be X-rayed, tested, put in a petri dish, noticed by a limp, wheel chair, cane, skin growth, scarf on head..you name it.

You have to live a life trying to put it all into words. And unlike physical pain, that the mass of humanity can relate to; prolonged sorrow, mental torment, issues of the emotions(anger, rage, paranoia) are not always so common. You cannot as easily get others to empathise with something they have never felt…something that also can’t be physically seen/heard.

It is an enigma. A mystery. A “demon”. A “spiritual sickness”. A problem one should be able to somehow heal or overcome…and most the time it must be dealt with alone. Diagnosed alone..treated alone….Something you or your family have done..have led to it. (This is my experience being around religous folk lol).

I’ve only had even a few doctors, out of handfuls that treated me with dignity. Listened..rather than treated what they “decided” was my sickness. It’s a very broken system.

I don’t know how many things I tried to self-medicate with. Be it love affairs, pain pills, mary-jane, striving for worth and significance…

And the sad reality of self-medication, when it comes to drug abuse or illegally using prescription drugs; is that the majority of people that do so..are the ones that really need it! But they are labeled as drug addicts….unqualified for anything that might actually help the most.

Then of course those with good jobs, health insurance, status, power and prestige(you know the system); can get any thing they so desire..or so it often seems.

I have went off on a tangent.

Anyway, this shit is something that can be so debilitating, in so many ways. Not only are you fighting alone a lot of times, you are also fighting to stay afloat in areas people don’t seem to get can be so effected by it: sleep, work, finances, education…

And not to mention the many other stressors that can make things even more difficult to manage: single-parenting, lack of a stable, healthy positive support system, financial inconsistency. There are so nany things that contribute to making it much more difficult to manage.

I’ve always been expected to perfom just as any other. I’ve struggled with memory issues and would be lectured for it at work. Even after explaining my reasons why. (This stemming from a thyroid issue , rather than a mental illness. But it relates to the unseen part of it.)

But in regards to my depression, I can’t just say that I am full of intense sorrow, have no motivation, and that I already know there is no use trying to get my ass up and carry on like normal for the day….

My pain is not relevant.

There is no excuse.

I would have to break an arm or leg to be considered exempt from life for a day..or even a few hours.

I have been really struggling ever since having my youngest son. I have a 14 year gap between my 2. I ended up with horrible post-partum after having him, going through a cesarean at that.

I’ve moved twice within the last 2 months and have had 3 jobs already within the last year. It’s been rather difficult finding a consistent sitter, and I just have been unable to stay sound with all the changes going on.

There have been times I just felt too discouraged to get out of bed. I just gave up. It’s not no normal feeling of discouragement. But more like dispair. A laying down to die(mentally/emotionally/soul level). It is a pain in the heart and I torment of the mind that again, man, it is just too hard to articulate..

Before this, I actually had been relatively good. Not perfect, but steadily..moving forward…overall happy..able to cope.

I don’t have the biggest support system and sometimes just feel like giving up. Especially lately. It’s just been a chaotic rollercoaster ride. I am having trouble adjusting to such extreme changes within such little time.

Anyway, my point here is: so many times I’ve wanted to reach out for help with this. Try a Go-Fund me(for the times I was not working)..whatever. But, I already knew it would not be as readily received and accepted as it would if I were disabled in a more physical form.

Mental illness, stress, depression, anxiety, being so so so overwhelmed and feeling as if you are unable to handle life, are just not acceptable reasons.

You are not allowed to be handicaped in the mind and heart.

Thanks for letting me express myself and for listening. It feels good to be heard😉. Be blessed. ❤

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