So sometimes I have these scenes I go through with me and Jesus. And today(read previous post) is one of those days. In these scenes I am with Him and usually talking or resting in this house (see other posts on this of mine).
Today though we are in my house and also another room. Now, today in these scenes I am throwing a raging fit. I am letting all my woes out and they sound pathetic. I am destroying shit, whining, yelling, angry..breaking windows, throwing chairs sobbing and making incoherent ramblings. I am having a pity party and telling Him about why I deserve His rejection. Why He shouldn’t accept me. And there are moments I am demanding His answers. For Him to tell me why I am like this…”I don’t know Jesus, why don’t YOU tell ME?” Just victim mentality attitude.
Acting like I use to when younger and imagining doing it now….like I feel like doing. Just loss of all control.
Basically imagine a mental nut- case, nervous breakdown scenario of an individual that should be locked away and people should consider to be losing it..lost it..and you got it. Instability on all levels and no wonder this is where I am…
But momentarily throughout my visions of me going whacko on Jesus..the scene changes to Jesus holding me as a baby.
He is calm
He is rocking me in His arms
I am swaddled
He is unshaken..undisturbed by it all
He is only tenderly rocking me and making that hushing sound that good patient mothers make when their infant needs soothed.
At times He rubs my head.
He is happy to do this.
Unlike anything I’ve ever known. In myself and other’s.
Even when I try to resist. To be so difficult that in my mind it would cause Him to give up trying all together. To render it pointless. ( I wonder if this is some subconscious fear trying to test Him? To see if my protesting would get Him to give up on me abandon/reject?).To lay me down, close the door and allow me to cry it out…
But, He does not relent…He insists on cradling me..being a healing balm to me….
The madness does not cause Him to react accordingly. He does not hush me with anxious frustration, or sigh with remorse of His obligation.
He is one solid yet flowing essence of calm..still..tranquility..unmoved by the storm.
The storm I’m creating in this scene..that was created by many past storms in my life…that only He seems to get..and be willing to hush….until all is peaceful..