I hate myself today..and other days. I feel like a contradiction. The person I want to be, the mask I want others to see…then in private I can be..this person I despise.
I am a complaining mess. Raging. Tired..sleep deprived wreck.
Can’t keep up. Not with the Jones’s..I have no desire to fulfill my life with such fleeting moments.
No, I can’t keep up with my own expectations, and the one’s of those I’ve supposed from..family, friends, acquaintances..God.
I am a disgrace.
I am tired. Don’t sleep. I’ve popped enough pills in the last few years to seek some physical tranquility…simply Zzzzz’s ..that I now fear what those in turn might do to me..
My emotions get the most of me. Overpowering my sanity and any rationalizing meant to keep me from exploding. Stressed.
I likewise feel wrong for being..me. For the anger I have towards my life. For no self-soothing working towards improvement.
“Ungrateful”! The devil on shoulder hisses to me…’there are many more souls lost and in more misery than thee..how dare you break under such mundane liberties!’
But the weight..oh it screams! Bitter..resenting..American feminist ideal of -independence has got the best of me!!! I need others to come along side and guide me!!
For I can’t handle the self-dependence! I can’t carry all this shit…expensive…to my soul..taxing to my soul…tolls
I am one lonely person..surrounded by constant motion. When more than anything this intrinsic part of me wishes to REALLY be alone..if only but for moments.
Stillness..silence..solitude…a reprieve from all life pokes👇👉👈 me with: House, home, kids, and even friends. Responsibilities, errands, bills, my mind…even I.
Yet there is no escape…rest from it all eludes me.
Even the moments I once had to hide..are now much harder to find. Constant motion..drug me and numb me!!.I need relief!! Peace!
I understand the mind that desires to find complete possible rest in the ideas of death…Yet I suppress them..just venting my empathies
There is always some type of chaos and no-one else made of earthly dirt to hand them over to…without fear of recompense.. For nothing is free..even for the soul, emotions, and my bent mentality…they likewise charge me..
As much as I cry..Free Me– liberty is not listening…maybe heckling if anything..
There is no soothing… I’m only one person and my sanity is threatening to lose it.