The best way I can express these things today, is in these unspoken words I say
I am fucking a nut case and I know it, got a few screws loose I might show it
Don’t worry I ain’t too sturdy, a lot of bark a little bite..just …quirky..just hurting
I have had a rage within me for a while now
It most likely is a burden from deep within, that, I can’t put a name on…. it’s been a mystery to me and everyone that’s tried to perceive, what the fuck is really wrong with me
A slow Internal bleed
They’ve tried to tame it, that crazy nervousness
But I didn’t like the med list, and it can keep a bitch dope sick..zombiefied..emotionless
I use to hide behind my charisma..tears shed from fears held, they said I wanted attention
I just can say, I only wanted to fix it
And crying has always been a good way to lift it.
I was pouring my emotions and hopes out and you told me they were nonsense
Get over it,
But believe me I’ve tried to murder this shit, I’ve searched far and wide, in heart and mind, and over and over again in wise words from men
My best attempts at describing it..would be like a nervous twitch times ten that don’t relent
An uneasy sense that is hard to forget , I just can’t get rid of it
Imagine a bony ass finger poking at your center, right where your chest is ..
Like a second had ticking… it keeps beat beat beating ….
Right where one’s emotions sit
Some have rightly defined it as missing a layer of skin…every feeling is intensified…alive inside
It can make a bitch go crazy, cuz you’re always trying to evade it…
And the attempts to escape it manifest as a little madness …no contentment…can’t run from it…
This shit is more paralyzing and aggravating than any physical irritation I’ve been plagued with..but it’s always a constant….a fucking mother fucking constant..I’ve lost it
At times I’ve lost it
Thought I’d fucking def lost it
But I got up again
Again and again
I am grateful to be here, still getting up again and again
What is surrender?
I have to surrender…..
Be still, as still as I can in this raging tempest
And breathe again, someday live again
Really live again