What if I told you I don’t want to do this no more?
Like really don’t.
Would you get it?
Would you get that I’ve fought, and fought as hard as I can imagine? Would my fight be enough for you?
Would you believe I want to be this happy person, this doting mother, this positive light…and would you believe I’ve tried?
Would you be able to get that I just can’t get it? I just can’t find it.
And that most of my life has been a really really miserable existence? Trying to be this. Fighting myself. Within me?
I know it’s hard to comprehend. I get this.
If with the snap of my fingers or a wish upon a star could make me better able…
If a prayer or some miracle so happened to help me be able to manage..to handle this…
Then I would! Nothing else I want more!
But I can’t. I’m incapable. And I’ve tried. I’ve fought, I’ve got up, I’ve cried and I’ve tried.
And I just don’t want to anymore. I really don’t.
It has nothing to do with not loving my kids or family or friends. It has nothing to do with selfishness.
I just can’t tolerate my own existence. And it effects all those around me. I am not something worth living, but a hindrance. I don’t want life. I don’t want it.
If you only knew the options, I’ve had all other options. I’ve sought for them, fought myself and others for them…
This hurt, not once did I ask for. Not once did I give for. It is deep down, way down to the core. Some shit you’d fear to explore
But only then, once you’ve felt it, would you comprehend it….