What if I told you I don’t want to do this no more?
Like really don’t.
Would you get it?
Would you get that I’ve fought, and fought as hard as I can imagine? Would my fight be enough for you?
Would you believe I want to be this happy person, this doting mother, this positive light…and would you believe I’ve tried?
Would you be able to get that I just can’t get it? I just can’t find it.
And that most of my life has been a really really miserable existence? Trying to be this. Fighting myself. Within me?
I know it’s hard to comprehend. I get this.
If with the snap of my fingers or a wish upon a star could make me better able…
If a prayer or some miracle so happened to help me be able to manage..to handle this…
Then I would! Nothing else I want more!
But I can’t. I’m incapable. And I’ve tried. I’ve fought, I’ve got up, I’ve cried and I’ve tried.
And I just don’t want to anymore. I really don’t.
It has nothing to do with not loving my kids or family or friends. It has nothing to do with selfishness.
I just can’t tolerate my own existence. And it effects all those around me. I am not something worth living, but a hindrance. I don’t want life. I don’t want it.
If you only knew the options, I’ve had all other options. I’ve sought for them, fought myself and others for them…
This hurt, not once did I ask for. Not once did I give for. It is deep down, way down to the core. Some shit you’d fear to explore
But only then, once you’ve felt it, would you comprehend it….
Many people can’t fathom why anyone would ever think like this. Which I don’t understand, because I have dealt with thoughts like this over my lifetime and so it’s hard to imagine others who never have lol. If that makes since.
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Who is ‘you’? When I’ve felt this way, ‘you’ was God.
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In this at this time, I was referring to ppl. Like anyone who may wonder why someone would even consider the idea.
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