Today

What if I told you I don’t want to do this no more?

Like really don’t.

Would you get it?

Would you get that I’ve fought, and fought as hard as I can imagine? Would my fight be enough for you?

Would you believe I want to be this happy person, this doting mother, this positive light…and would you believe I’ve tried?

Would you be able to get that I just can’t get it? I just can’t find it.

And that most of my life has been a really really miserable existence? Trying to be this. Fighting myself. Within me?

I know it’s hard to comprehend. I get this.

If with the snap of my fingers or a wish upon a star could make me better able…

If a prayer or some miracle so happened to help me be able to manage..to handle this…

Then I would! Nothing else I want more!

But I can’t. I’m incapable. And I’ve tried. I’ve fought, I’ve got up, I’ve cried and I’ve tried.

And I just don’t want to anymore. I really don’t.

It has nothing to do with not loving my kids or family or friends. It has nothing to do with selfishness.

I just can’t tolerate my own existence. And it effects all those around me. I am not something worth living, but a hindrance. I don’t want life. I don’t want it.

If you only knew the options, I’ve had all other options. I’ve sought for them, fought myself and others for them…

This hurt, not once did I ask for. Not once did I give for. It is deep down, way down to the core. Some shit you’d fear to explore

But only then, once you’ve felt it, would you comprehend it….

3 thoughts on “Today

  1. Many people can’t fathom why anyone would ever think like this. Which I don’t understand, because I have dealt with thoughts like this over my lifetime and so it’s hard to imagine others who never have lol. If that makes since.

    Like

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