Unfortunately, most my holidays are spent having flashbacks and being nervous for the present ones.
Mine have been known to be filled with arguing, drunkenness, not eating because everyone fought too much before the food was done, and the ever present fear of shit escalating and pistols once again being pointed at heads.
It’s always been like being afraid to go to sleep, because you already know you will have nightmares.
I am grateful we made it, and for the good ones. I am grateful for all the people who have been in my life and had me over and took me in for the holidays.
There is though, something still quite painful, knowing your own family is too dysfunctional to be joyful. Knowing your family is not always a safe place, and you thus must seek holiday cheer and other such miracles elsewhere.