Why would anyone consider suicide?
For me, it was always about the relentless feeling inside. I’ve described it as best as I can in other posts. But, to keep it brief it is like a tormenting feeling inside of you. That makes you want to do anything to escape it.
As I’ve gotten older, other things come into context: My inability to find freedom from it. My detest for my own self not being able to overcome it.
There is a confusion within; I wrestle. Where does it all come from? Who’s to blame?
I’ve been blamed much of my life and told to “fix it”. That I should have control; that it is an attitude issue.
But dealing with such things my whole life, and wanting desperately to change…yet still finding this dark side so hard to overcome..makes me angry. Makes me lose hope.
I’m angry at my genes, the environment that shaped my mind and emotions, those that I think should have seen..those that I was crying out to notice my conflict..that turned their backs. I’m angry at the world.
Science tells me it’s my brain. Nerves ain’t hitting. Religious hypocrites tell me it’s my sinfulness… spiritual sickness. But neither of them can fix it. They have all the answers but dare not put hands and feet in.
Most of all. I hate myself. More and more I despise myself: That I am not overcoming this. That they say it’s me…I need to think differently..try this or that.
Sometimes I pray those that have turned an eye and ear would be inflicted for just one day with the war within. With the feelings that drive one to think like this
Then I tell myself that is not right, I wouldn’t wish this on any enemy or friend. It’s painful shit. But I want someone to get it. Maybe be more sympathetic to my distresses.
I’m angry that I can’t handle it. That I don’t get it. Myself. My madness. My emotions. That I can’t seem to find the peace, hope, patience and all that shit people tell me I should have.
I want to end the life of this person. Who has caused me so many conflicts, misundergsnings, loss and confusions.
That has turned me more cold hearted, cuz I’m tired of fighting it…