Today

Why would anyone consider suicide?

For me, it was always about the relentless feeling inside. I’ve described it as best as I can in other posts. But, to keep it brief it is like a tormenting feeling inside of you. That makes you want to do anything to escape it.

As I’ve gotten older, other things come into context: My inability to find freedom from it. My detest for my own self not being able to overcome it.

There is a confusion within; I wrestle. Where does it all come from? Who’s to blame?

I’ve been blamed much of my life and told to “fix it”. That I should have control; that it is an attitude issue.

But dealing with such things my whole life, and wanting desperately to change…yet still finding this dark side so hard to overcome..makes me angry. Makes me lose hope.

I’m angry at my genes, the environment that shaped my mind and emotions, those that I think should have seen..those that I was crying out to notice my conflict..that turned their backs. I’m angry at the world.

Science tells me it’s my brain. Nerves ain’t hitting. Religious hypocrites tell me it’s my sinfulness… spiritual sickness. But neither of them can fix it. They have all the answers but dare not put hands and feet in.

Most of all. I hate myself. More and more I despise myself: That I am not overcoming this. That they say it’s me…I need to think differently..try this or that.

Sometimes I pray those that have turned an eye and ear would be inflicted for just one day with the war within. With the feelings that drive one to think like this

Then I tell myself that is not right, I wouldn’t wish this on any enemy or friend. It’s painful shit. But I want someone to get it. Maybe be more sympathetic to my distresses.

I’m angry that I can’t handle it. That I don’t get it. Myself. My madness. My emotions. That I can’t seem to find the peace, hope, patience and all that shit people tell me I should have.

I want to end the life of this person. Who has caused me so many conflicts, misundergsnings, loss and confusions.

That has turned me more cold hearted, cuz I’m tired of fighting it…

4 thoughts on “Today

  1. Oh, as if I haven’t said too much already…

    This is just my experience – it may not be anything like yours. So I offer it humbly…

    Also, my journey started in my early teens and it took me until my fifties to get to the point I described.

    Finally, though I suspect it would be considered a heretical view, realizing it was a power given me by God to choose, finally choosing to jump into his goodness was huge for me.

    I pray you will find relief.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So here is what I’ve found, so far, to be true – in my experience.

    I have approached the cliff you are peering over, quite a few times. As I pondered the cliff… and the choice… I faced a few ( what seemed to me to be) essential truths.

    One, I didn’t ask for my existence. It happened outside my control. Some Other did it.

    My going over the cliff won’t change that. I will still exist and so will the Other. I won’t end anything; I’ll just transition into a space I know little about except that I’m told it’s eternal.

    I’m living my life with the experience that Other is not pleased with me. To hell with doctrine that says Other loves me – it doesn’t help me.

    I will not experience joy, peace, etc, etc, etc, as long as Other doesn’t care for me. Period. If Other is not good, then there is no good. In this life or any life.

    At the end of the day it comes down to me and Other, staring each other down. And Other says to me, “Who do you say that I am?”

    Who do I want Other to be? Who do I desperately need Other to be? Is it possible Other is exactly that and far better?

    It’s the ultimate existential choice: who do I say God is? This minute. Next minute. Good. Evil.

    “Ending it” doesn’t end a thing. But, along with existence, Other has given me freedom to make a choice, to unmake choices, to continue to make and unmake choices.

    I chose and try to continue to choose “You are good, you are reliable, you are generous, you will guide, you will provide, no matter what the humans around me do or say.”

    Sorry for the sermon, but your post really triggered something in me. I hope you don’t take offense.

    Grace and peace to you…

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s