Today (unedited).

Having horrible anxiety and smoking weed in attempts to fix it.

I felt asked if it helped?

To some extent. It makes it all more tolerable.

This kind of anxiety is a painful thing. And that pain stayed, regardless of the lifting. But, there are other negative physical aspects it seems to suppress. Maybe slows down the intensity is a good way of describing it?

Questions whether God approves of this bounce through my head as always; but I’m learning this is not as much of his concern as it is mine. He just wants me,us to know he IS, IS there and in it with us. All of it.

I imagined myself under water, the pressure holding me underneath. The pressure being this anxiety. These attributes, characteristics, personality traits I so hate about myself.

And in my imagination I used all my strength to swim to the top and find air. My arms and legs mustering all they had to escape the weight of these burdens.

And then I finally understood better what Eckhart Tolle means when he says the true self. I was able to see this part of me that wants so bad to change. A hunger for it that no one can make me doubt, as bad as all my critics may try to prove me.

I’ve been swimming for air for a very long time now. That is who I am. Someone who wants to be at her nature: pure in heart, self sacrificial, compassionate, and kind. Not just for an audience. At the core.

And this false self, is truly all these things I’ve collected over the years. Call it karma, reaping what I’ve sown, generational curses, cultural and societal norms, thought patterns, etc.

These are things we have to realise don’t define us. Are not us. Unless we allow them to be.

2 thoughts on “Today (unedited).

  1. Like Peter, we walk to Jesus on the water only to sink and cry out for him to save us, which he always does as he reminds us, again and again, that we don’t need to doubt him.

    Liked by 1 person

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