I’ve been questioning how real my love within really is?
How Christ like, that is.
Because more often that not, I find time and again…a forcing it.
As if my sorries and apologies are nothing more than my own attempts to find forgiveness…for myself.
A law like system in my mind I sense it.
Or the presentations. The acting out in a way the kindness and niceness. Well not too much anymore for me lately, I’ve become pretty blunt and have said fuck it and laid it all here…but when it comes to the religious jargon and criteria.
When does it become real within and not some self controlled behavior?
And have we all kind of been lost in it? Or am I truly a wicked man?
I notice some benevolence within my breast at times I guess. When you know it’s heart felt. Something bigger than you is reaching out…
Instance moments of compassion, flashes of sadness…the kind that hold your thoughts captive.
But is salvation this? Or that?
Inner transformation or making it look like your walking that path?
Maybe both I assume? Some here, some there. Earth mixed with heaven. Little by little the promised land coming to fruition.
Slowly and surely the giants destroyed the enemies(humanities enemies: death=hate, pain, oppression, anything that destroys or dehumanizes) subdued.
But back to the selfishness I find.
Many times I see it hiding behind my own attempts at kindness, compassion, godly standards…by giving and all that.
It comes many times down to my own fear of forgiveness and needing assurance than it feeling like a genuine love for the other.
Now, I want it to be genuine. I want it to be automatic to my nature. What I am saying is, I don’t think that is always so right now.
And I am just now seeing how deceiving it can be.