Considering My Ailments lol

I can't really put into words what anxiety and depression(whatever really inflicts me) are like. Torment is close. An agitation deep within..like being poked with a pointy finger over and over again...but beneath your chest..where ones emotions rest... Or a pingpong ball pinging rapidly throughout me. Bouncing off one side, to the next..this way and … Continue reading Considering My Ailments lol

Just My Thoughts

I'm so tired, I have no energy. I'm so drained from lack of good sleep, yet my running mind won't allow it..sleep. Even the prescribed meds fail me. For the most part. They have offered some help..better than I was. My thyroid is all out of whack again. This makes me feel constantly sickly. So … Continue reading Just My Thoughts

……

I don't understand how people think that those with depression are suppose to just be OK? Just pull themselves up and out of it, as if it's simple. As if it's brought on by self. I wish I could pop a magic pill, say a certain prayer and I would be your kind of "normal." … Continue reading ……

World: Asking Me..for More than I have to give.

I'm so tired of all these voices(nouns), asking something of me. I have nothing to give, be gone from me. I go to seek rest..and you come looking for me. There is no where to hide, here you come expecting more from me. I attempt to muffle your cries, but there is no smothering thee. … Continue reading World: Asking Me..for More than I have to give.

This Kind of Tired.

This is the kind of tired that lays down in a ball and can't get up.. That has no more energy to think...to function...to keep up with it all.. This is a kind of tired that gives up caring...that gives up This is the kind of tired that have sent many to end their own … Continue reading This Kind of Tired.

Call it What You Must

Over the course of my life, mostly as an adolescent but also a few times as an adult; I've had others think I was seeking attention. Whether it be from my loudness, hyperactiveness, complaining, sobbing at church..whatever And though some of those behaviors may stem from some subconscious need to be heard and seen; they … Continue reading Call it What You Must

Jesus and My Tantrum

So sometimes I have these scenes I go through with me and Jesus. And today(read previous post) is one of those days. In these scenes I am with Him and usually talking or resting in this house (see other posts on this of mine). Today though we are in my house and also another room. … Continue reading Jesus and My Tantrum

Life Today.

I hate myself today..and other days. I feel like a contradiction. The person I want to be, the mask I want others to see...then in private I can be..this person I despise. I am a complaining mess. Raging. Tired..sleep deprived wreck. Can't keep up. Not with the Jones's..I have no desire to fulfill my life … Continue reading Life Today.

Oh Faithful Church Folk.

Where have we sent people? After getting pregnant, I remember running into someone I had known from the church system I had originally came to Christ in. This system is very legalistic. You do. Or you don't. I remember she asked me, was I going back to church? Was I attending somewhere? She was not … Continue reading Oh Faithful Church Folk.

My Struggle with Mental Illness.

I would say my biggest discouragement/hurt when it comes to battling mental illness(depression, anxiety, presumed BPD); has been getting others to understand or even believe me. Unlike physical ailments that can be more readily diagnosed and recognized by the layman; this stuff is not so. It cannot be X-rayed, tested, put in a petri dish, … Continue reading My Struggle with Mental Illness.

Featured

There’s NO Excuse for Mental Illness

There is no excuse for mental illness Twisted, demented, stigma My whole life I've been mislabeled, fed RX's, drugged and numbed in attempts to fix it. There's no excuse for mental sickness God forbid you can't pick yourself up out of bed when the morning arrives..it's amazing enough you survived the cold of night..alive God … Continue reading There’s NO Excuse for Mental Illness

Apologies

I've gotten better at apologising. It's not always been easy. But, it has gotten better. Something did hit me today concerning apologies though, and how I tend to go about them. There are many times I see the self centeredness in them. My apologies that is. I catch myself wanting to do it, because it … Continue reading Apologies

Why Can’t I be Stonger?

I have come to moan. To have a pitty party. May I? Why can't I be stronger? Why can't I handle life like other's? I have many reasons life is hard, but I see others in similar situations making it. Or more! Killing it! Single motherhood or maybe just life, has the best of me. … Continue reading Why Can’t I be Stonger?

My Own Demons

You ain't the only one with demons screaming..threatening your reason... You ain't the only one who holds on tight to sanity..trying to prove to the rest of humanity..that you too can overcome this "wicked man in me". You think I like to bring pain ..like it's my sick game..and I just can't wait to get … Continue reading My Own Demons

He Loves Your Ugly

I remember my last stent of darkness. Sadly is has been a familiar friend most of my life. But, it don't stick around like it use to..when The Light is here. When Jesus is welcomed. But there are times, when day becomes night again. Joy appears to be swallowed in fear...shame...insecurity..sin...giving up..and giving in. Hello..I'm … Continue reading He Loves Your Ugly

Free Me

I wish I could simply...run away like you. To close my eyes and ears to all my problems...to shut myself in...and be alone. But it's more complicated than that. Unlike you, I have more than just myself...depending on me. More than just myself..to feed, bathe, clothe, house, teach, meet needs...keep alive. I can't give up … Continue reading Free Me

F@*# It ALL..that’s how I feel today..and maybe I will tmrw too.

For the past half-decade and some, I've been trying to be it all. The very best I can. The example for Christ, the mother who understands, the friend who only sees the best in others, despite my thoughts telling me otherwise. The good sister, daughter, employee, citizen..you name it. I've been policing my every thought, … Continue reading F@*# It ALL..that’s how I feel today..and maybe I will tmrw too.