“I am my own muse. The subject I know best. The subject I want to know better,” ~Frida Kahlo
Category: Writer, Writing, Journaling
Numbers VS Maturity
podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/greg-boyd-apologies-explanations/id1121364768
Relieving Suffering
podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/greg-boyd-apologies-explanations/id1121364768
Today
What if I told you I don’t want to do this no more? Like really don’t. Would you get it? Would you get that I’ve fought, and fought as hard as I can imagine? Would my fight be enough for you? Would you believe I want to be this happy person, this doting mother, this … Continue reading Today
The Quest for the Historical Paul – Biblical Archaeology Society
The Quest for the Historical Paul - Biblical Archaeology Society — Read on http://www.biblicalarchaeology.org/daily/people-cultures-in-the-bible/people-in-the-bible/the-quest-for-the-historical-paul/
Today
Language is man made. If you couldn't use words, definitions, lingo or logic?...How would you then speak/relate/feel out God? Shhhhhh——-listen....hush——-be still. No comprehension, limitless.
Life
Life, the great dilemma. Where you are the hero, the villain, the god and the victim.
Ahora
Me: God, I’m so neurotic. I’ve always been so negative... God?: Start praising everything. Sing praises of what good you see, in people and in things. See only the good, even in your thought life.... Me: 😒....
Judgement
We are all living in judgement; and we are the judges, judging.
Wondering Aloud
I've had my fists raised towards the heavens and I've been cursing at them lately. Like Job, I am prone to question the goodness and kindness of a God who allows so much carnage. As I pondered this the other night, the story of God giving men dominion over the whole earth came to mind. … Continue reading Wondering Aloud
My minds a rebel, yeah she’s a bitch She starts all the trouble, on her thrown she sits.
Today
We must not raise our fists in rage hollering, conquer them, conquer them. No more for them!! We must join hands, hang our heads and whisper, heal our lands, heal our lands. All of them.
Understanding the Other: Mentalizing with Attachment Theory | Psychology Today
Understanding the Other: Mentalizing with Attachment Theory | Psychology Today — Read on http://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-change/202010/understanding-the-other-mentalizing-attachment-theory?amp
Today
God, why would you want me? Because I love what’s broken. That don’t make sense though.... It never does.
Today
I’m afraid of what might happen when the pain pills they gave me fade away and I am left to my own to numb it. The physical pain is doable, the fact it likewise dulls the emotions, this is what I fear.
Abortion and Community
This seems so relevant in so many ways. Really powerful.
Ah Shit
Note: I think a lot of what I write are projections. It has taken me a long time to understand this. But, I am trying to figure out how all that works. So with that said, keep in mind that much of this stuff is what I should be preaching to myself alone, I just … Continue reading Ah Shit
Big Brothers Big Sisters forming unbreakable bonds | Videos | wandtv.com
Play — Read on http://www.wandtv.com/content/tncms/live/
Today
It would be nice to find a place to lay in the sun and give up the ghost.
Abortion and Kingdom People, excerpt by Greg Boyd.
The Uniquely Kingdom Approach to Abortion The unique Kingdom approach to abortion doesn’t focus on figuring out the “right” political solution, getting “the right” candidates into office or getting the “right” bills passed. As with everything else about the Kingdom, it rather focuses on manifesting the self-sacrificial love of God towards women with unwanted pregnancies … Continue reading Abortion and Kingdom People, excerpt by Greg Boyd.
What’s the worse thing someone’s ever said to you? Good video
Wish I Had This Advice Growing Up. Listen Kids!! LBS Save yourself first.
Late Night Pondering
I wish I would have cherished them more; those little moments, that at the time being, you don’t realize are little moments... It is a paradoxical blessing: having to rely completely on God.
Tonight
When we are able to help a mother deal with her mental health, we are essentially reaching the whole family," says author Dr. Marian Earls.
This Lady Brings Me Comfort LOL 🤱🏻☀️ Like a lullaby or warm summer day.
Anxiety
It’s not that I want my world to change(the things around me). Even though I complain and it may seem that way. But in reality, I just want this pain inside to subside. It’s not a subtle thing, it’s intense. Like an itch... That you can’t quite scratch, yet it doesn’t itch.... It pan-ics It … Continue reading Anxiety
Today
Jesus Jesus Save me save me Jesus Jesus Change me change me I’m not who I want to be Mentally nor emotionally Stormy seas Speak peace Hush me Jesus Jesus Forgive me I’m not who I want to be Light emptied Pretending Not even that anymore They see me I feel like whatever has hit … Continue reading Today
😭❤️😇👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Life and Death
I’ve noticed I’ve become somewhat numb to death lately. Maybe it’s just that I don’t fear it like I once did? Or my views of the afterlife have changed? Four people around my age recently died. All within the last several months. Two of them I was closer to, the other two were a former … Continue reading Life and Death
Tonight
Am I exposing to many truths, like ego self abuse? Or is this what really is 100 proof? I’ve found there is release in mentioning all my many many tragedies..even if many are actually quite stigmatizing and possibly embarrassing 💁🏻🙈 But shit, it is what is, and this is my fucking reality. At times it’s … Continue reading Tonight
Today
God here I am again, I'm tired and I'm over it I am ill equipped to handle this I don't get it, I'm a deficit There is no joy, I can't find it I feel lost....inside this I am not human.this can't be it You made them stronger, I'm something less than Cuz as much … Continue reading Today
Kid Rock
youtu.be/0DQup4hd1_o
I’ve Told you Before, I Don’t Know What it is, So you Title It.
Enter at your own risk, I'm lost in thought and have no script I think a lot, I'm prone to fits I've been fucked up, still at 36 I feel like Rogue, that X-Men chic I have to watch who I touch, who I open up with I mean well, but my mind is a … Continue reading I’ve Told you Before, I Don’t Know What it is, So you Title It.
Today
How do I find help, Without time for myself? People are under vast amounts of stress, in who knows what particular areas... it’s all personal, contingent upon so much. Those that need help, have to find methods that work well for them, and then be consistent and also make time for it. Who has time … Continue reading Today
PAINSTAKINGLY TRANSITIONING.
Grace, you’ll carry us. Today marks exactly one year since I took my last antidepressant medication. Yesterday I got a big fat rejection and it still…PAINSTAKINGLY TRANSITIONING.
Jordan Peterson on Anxiety
youtu.be/XVxqETmS3M8
What Really Is …
mywonderingsoul.com/2019/08/19/within/
Today
God, I find it hard to believe you love me yet still...still through all my inconsistencies.... Not too many men, will love a man, through all of their inconsistencies...their many, many inconsistencies...................
Jesus
That's where I want you to be; unsure-yet still trusting me. Having tasted enough, to know... Yet not needing to know... Just knowing, that I Am. And, you are. Knowing, I am More than you need, and always enough.. Not needing certainty of mind...but honesty of heart.. I Am here and there, always. Let your … Continue reading Jesus
Today: Heaven is…(need to edit still)
The Kingdom of Heaven, starts with YOU. You see, that mustard seed, that grain of wheat..is YOU. We want to see the harvest. We want to see the progress. We want to reach the masses, not realizing..death is in letting go..of all those expectations and ego boosters. That seed(beginning/new way/new life) is first buried. Unseen. … Continue reading Today: Heaven is…(need to edit still)
Reincarnate it..or Put an End to it
No one's to blame. It's a cycle. A cycle of brokenness. Sin is it. The enemy to us. Not another. The way to conquer sin, is through love. The power of self-sacrificial, self-denying, all accepting, adopting, unrelenting, merciful love. Christ like love. Laying down myself for someone else. I can't change the world. At least … Continue reading Reincarnate it..or Put an End to it
Today..
Learning, that you have to hear first; in order to speak your turn. (Let that speak to you how you want. 🤔)~Sam
Ponderings
One may be quite surprised at how clearly and often He speaks, when man made interferences, distractions, and clutter are eliminated from daily life. We make it mundane.
The First Will Be Last 🤔
One good reason death to self, being last, self-sacrifice, and carrying ones cross; can all be symbolized by crucifixion..is because crucifixion is to the body, what self denial is to the ego. We will do anything before choosing to crush/insult ego. It is the most "excruciating" thing. We will even firmly believe our own reasonings … Continue reading The First Will Be Last 🤔
Love Like Jesus: The First Will Be Last.
We've been conditioned into subconsciously always asking ourselves, "how can I be first?", in any given situation. It comes natural. We aren't even aware of it typically. Begin to practice asking yourself, "how can I be last?"; and you'll soon realize how self interested, you really are.
The Right Thing is….
All that we need to do, is the RIGHT thing. Not fight to avoid the sinful things, and adhere to all the religious ones. But, quite oneself and be willing to ask what the right thing is, in any given circumstance, situation, or season. All have been given an answer. Our inner voice/soul/connection to God. … Continue reading The Right Thing is….
Following Awareness
I FIND THAT I AM A LOT MORE SELF-OBSESSED: self-concerned, self-critical, self-centered, self- justifying, self-absorbed... my pain, my flaws, my wrongs and rights, my hurts, my points, my feelings, my happiness.. my life, my time, my heart and mind. ....on and on and on , THAN I HAD ONCE THOUGHT... damn it’s gross! If I … Continue reading Following Awareness
What is Your Cross?
When we look at the crux of the Gospel and what Jesus taught we can see how it is profoundly simple, yet challenging. To just love. Have we taught that? Learned that? If it’s not all about the “law”, but love, what does that look and sound like? And how are we acting on law, … Continue reading What is Your Cross?
To Zoloft or Not to Zoloft (part 2)?
OK, so I started taking it again. That was a terrible idea to stop it😵😥! Some of you warned me, but I didn't wanna listen. I didn't realise how much it helped or I had forgotten. Here is the shitty part, I'm not sleeping again 😥. This was the original reason I tried to get … Continue reading To Zoloft or Not to Zoloft (part 2)?
Consider Who… Yeah You. 🙋🏻♀️
The only time we should consider others, is to ask ourselves, “will it help them or hurt them?” This is the one single time we should allow others into our headspace. Other than that, I do not see any purpose or justification. For what is all other consideration and contemplating of another’s life, if it’s … Continue reading Consider Who… Yeah You. 🙋🏻♀️
BE ? Who are You and How?
You are what you eat , fuel and feed. Watch what you speak and consider how you see. Tis true, mind what you sow; every tiny, little seed. It all reproduces..be it green trees or tangled weeds Flowing rivers or dried up streams. Some give life, some cause death. It takes residence in your heart, … Continue reading BE ? Who are You and How?
Tonight
Mama said it took the edge off So I went and got a bottle, poured a glass and partook until the pain within my head was quieted, and the days looked brighter up ahead. Mama was right..as she had said.
Life, Light and Love.
Does it give life? Restore? Heal? Protect? Shed warm, revealing, gentle light? Are the followers of any particular path fostering life, light, and love? Are they moving more and more towards it? Are they at peace, is it easy to be in their presence? What do their words and lifestyles speak of? Are they moving … Continue reading Life, Light and Love.
Embrace You. The REAL You. And Love it Enough to Let Others, Even Haters Know it too. 😜🤔🤓🤐🤡😈😇🤣😬😬😬😬💁
I'm learning to not mind being as authentic as possible. As a gift to myself if anything. Being true to myself, my reality. Why lie to the crowd? Why be someone else or pretend I am keeping up with the Jane's and Jones's, when I'm really a hot mess? Why does wearing a painted mask … Continue reading Embrace You. The REAL You. And Love it Enough to Let Others, Even Haters Know it too. 😜🤔🤓🤐🤡😈😇🤣😬😬😬😬💁
Vision Of Surrender.
Blue sky, few clouds. Ocean far, ocean wide, no shores to be found. On my back, arms and legs stretched way out. Floating upon calm waves..rocking me to hushed sleep...above these deep seas. Nothing in my power. All is well. I let go. I surrender to this river. Arms stretched..legs out...face to the sky. I … Continue reading Vision Of Surrender.
To Zoloft or Not to Zoloft?
I have been on generic Zoloft now since getting prego. If one has read any of my previous posts, they might have seen how life has been like hell for me, both mentally and emotionally. I have always struggled with depression and anxiety, but the anxiety has been so intense it almost borderlines psychosis. To … Continue reading To Zoloft or Not to Zoloft?
Gang Banging in the Pews.
I see in myself this same pattern one finds when teens choose gangs. That longing for belonging, leadership, purpose. When the family unit does not seem to give what is needed or presumed needed, one ventures off to find it elsewhere. And though that elsewhere may not be healthy, the feeling of belonging and significance … Continue reading Gang Banging in the Pews.
I don’t Know What This Is
God, often I wonder what you think of me, Cuz I know what I think of me. And lately I've been fighting, some demons and it's frightening. Too much thinking in the night time, in the morning nothing looks right. Legendary Abstract Who's to say? She's all that! Broken homes, too many fights Booze and … Continue reading I don’t Know What This Is
Does God Want us Whole or Adherents?
As I sat here praying, I asked God what He felt about my interest in other spiritual leaders. Some of whom my old self would have considered heretical or wolves in sheep's clothing. Was it dangerous to my soul? Am I being led astray, along a winding path toward hell? Or is there also truth, … Continue reading Does God Want us Whole or Adherents?
Consume
"Whatever the field of physical or moral sciences you deal with, you will be given no rest by the mass of things to be learnt or investigated. And to enable matters of this range and scale to find unrestricted hospitality in our minds, everything superfluous must be turned out. Virtue(for example), will not bring herself … Continue reading Consume
Haven’t Slept it Away in Many Years. (When sleep is desired over the ache of being awake.)
Oh shit, I'm here again. Where I wait all day for sleep to begin, because that's the only time the misery ends.
👀Awake Oh Sleeper!
I will say this, all the wrong attidudes and things I've condemned in others: greed, self-centeredness, gossip, accusations, pride, hypocrisy, lusts, materialism, comparison..you name it; I've likewise found in me. They may not manifest in the same ways or they might vary in degrees..but at their core, they are of the SAME spirit.
Karma Sowing Seed
I've come along way from where I was, and I'm still very much undone. One of the many lessons I've been experiencing over the last few years, is the principle of sowing and reaping, or what some call karma. And I have found it very much alive and well! The unexpected thing I've found though, … Continue reading Karma Sowing Seed
Is it weird that I can't stand America's obsessions? I wrestle with why? Why do I despise these things? The hunger for money, power, and fame. The chase. The need to look so good..forever young. The stunting. The dressing up. The showing off. The selfies. The culture of looks. Filters. Of impressing. Of needing so … Continue reading
Just a Little Late Night Rhyming ( My feelings on keeping up with the Janes and Jones)
If I wanted all of that..best believe I'd make it happen If I needed that ...cash is what I'd be after You see it's not poverty or depravity that has a hold on me But I'm after something that transcends all that's relevant to these earthly chics I need a little more depth to my … Continue reading Just a Little Late Night Rhyming ( My feelings on keeping up with the Janes and Jones)
9-20-2019
Will you love me in my brokenness When I have nothing else to give but these moments in... Conversations and contemplation...about what life is.. All I have is.... Me Be-ing That's all I can give Here I am One in a million.. Not like them... Very different Up up away....earth bound...hell no No limits All … Continue reading 9-20-2019
Considering My Ailments lol
I can't really put into words what anxiety and depression(whatever really inflicts me) are like. Torment is close. An agitation deep within..like being poked with a pointy finger over and over again...but beneath your chest..where ones emotions rest... Or a pingpong ball pinging rapidly throughout me. Bouncing off one side, to the next..this way and … Continue reading Considering My Ailments lol
High Tides…Thinking in Writing
God give me a kind heart, cuz this world has gave me a hard heart. Make me what Thou art, cuz I've created a monster..trying to do my part. I thought I was able..qualified and faithful.. Wanted to prove to You and the people..I was solid...no problems.. But life tends to, knock knock knock you … Continue reading High Tides…Thinking in Writing
My Time Capsule: 12-30-2013
Sometimes one must be wise enough to force upon themselves heartache ; when well aware of circumstances and situations..that if persisted in..would later cause heartbreak. Of course, any ache is painful. But in reality, these bruises feel better much quicker; than the more intense, reluctant pain a break produces. Not to exclude, the more extensive … Continue reading My Time Capsule: 12-30-2013
My God
If there is one thing I can say with full conscience confidence.. Is that I have saught You diligently. Like the Hound Of Heaven in my own sense..I've been in pursuit of You.. I have been discouraged, but never forsaken. I've been mistaken, but You never have left me. I may have been blinded, but … Continue reading My God
High Times. Unconscious Rhyming
Can I lose my mind for some time? What if I lost all self-control for a bit? What would you think of ya chic? If I decided to get real legit..100..per cent..I don't think they ready for this See they ain't neva considered this kind of sublime...it's so unlike...all they've ever witnessed.. Lost minds.. They … Continue reading High Times. Unconscious Rhyming
Just My Thoughts
I'm so tired, I have no energy. I'm so drained from lack of good sleep, yet my running mind won't allow it..sleep. Even the prescribed meds fail me. For the most part. They have offered some help..better than I was. My thyroid is all out of whack again. This makes me feel constantly sickly. So … Continue reading Just My Thoughts
……
I don't understand how people think that those with depression are suppose to just be OK? Just pull themselves up and out of it, as if it's simple. As if it's brought on by self. I wish I could pop a magic pill, say a certain prayer and I would be your kind of "normal." … Continue reading ……
World: Asking Me..for More than I have to give.
I'm so tired of all these voices(nouns), asking something of me. I have nothing to give, be gone from me. I go to seek rest..and you come looking for me. There is no where to hide, here you come expecting more from me. I attempt to muffle your cries, but there is no smothering thee. … Continue reading World: Asking Me..for More than I have to give.
I Value My Words
One thing that I hope outlives me and are compiled together someday, would be my writings. In them you would find my deepest agonies, my journeying through self-realisation, my evolving relationship with God, my deepest regrets, hopes, complaints and so forth. From spoken word, to many questions, and what I believe were some of the … Continue reading I Value My Words
