What is Your Cross?

When we look at the crux of the Gospel and what Jesus taught we can see how it is profoundly simple, yet challenging. To just love. Have we taught that? Learned that? If it’s not all about the “law”, but love, what does that look and sound like? And how are we acting on law, … Continue reading What is Your Cross?

Consider Who… Yeah You. 🙋🏻‍♀️

The only time we should consider others, is to ask ourselves, “will it help them or hurt them?” This is the one single time we should allow others into our headspace. Other than that, I do not see any purpose or justification. For what is all other consideration and contemplating of another’s life, if it’s … Continue reading Consider Who… Yeah You. 🙋🏻‍♀️

BE ? Who are You and How?

You are what you eat , fuel and feed. Watch what you speak and consider how you see. Tis true, mind what you sow; every tiny, little seed. It all reproduces..be it green trees or tangled weeds Flowing rivers or dried up streams. Some give life, some cause death. It takes residence in your heart, … Continue reading BE ? Who are You and How?

Exerpt by Sam Dylan Finch: See previous post for more of his awesome work.

I’m afraid that this illness is all that I am. Everyone likes to remind me that I’m more than my illnesses. But this struggle is my every day – if I’m not drowning in a depressive episode, I’m fighting hard to keep my head above water and my life intact. There isn’t a single moment … Continue reading Exerpt by Sam Dylan Finch: See previous post for more of his awesome work.

4 Ways Mentally Ill People Are Blamed For Their Struggles

Let's Queer Things Up!

The first time I told someone that I was mentally ill, they reacted with disbelief.

“You?” they asked. “You don’t seem that sick to me. Be careful not to play the victim.”

The second time I told someone that I was mentally ill, they invalidated me.

“We all get depressed sometimes,” they replied. “You just have to power through it.”

Countless times, I’ve been made to feel like my mental illness is my fault. I wasn’t trying hard enough, I needed to change my perspective, I wasn’t looking at all of my options, I was exaggerating how much pain I was in, I was only looking for sympathy.

If I wasn’t mentally well, they implied, it was obviously an issue with me that had nothing to do with the systems that fail mentally ill people each and every day. My “failure” to live a functional and happy life had nothing…

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10 Ways to ‘Reach Out’ When You’re Struggling With Your Mental Health

Let's Queer Things Up!

I’m a mental health writer and advocate, and a suicide attempt survivor. I’ve told people on this blog many times, “Keep reaching out.” I’ve written multiple articles preaching the importance of vulnerability, defying stigma, and owning your struggles.

This is my whole thing, okay? This is what I do.

So when one of my closest friends died by suicide a few weeks ago, I wasn’t just shocked — I was completely gutted.

I thought there was never a question of whether or not my loved ones could reach out to me. But the very person who I’d talked to so often about mental health… didn’t call me.

Not even to say goodbye.

Screenshot 2018-03-03 at 10.30.59 AMThe last night I spent with them.

In the weeks following their suicide, my grief took me to dark places. I soon began having my own suicidal thoughts. And even then, when it was my turn to…

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Life, Light and Love.

Does it give life? Restore? Heal? Protect? Shed warm, revealing, gentle light? Are the followers of any particular path fostering life, light, and love? Are they moving more and more towards it? Are they at peace, is it easy to be in their presence? What do their words and lifestyles speak of? Are they moving … Continue reading Life, Light and Love.

Embrace You. The REAL You. And Love it Enough to Let Others, Even Haters Know it too. 😜🤔🤓🤐🤡😈😇🤣😬😬😬😬💁

I'm learning to not mind being as authentic as possible. As a gift to myself if anything. Being true to myself, my reality. Why lie to the crowd? Why be someone else or pretend I am keeping up with the Jane's and Jones's, when I'm really a hot mess? Why does wearing a painted mask … Continue reading Embrace You. The REAL You. And Love it Enough to Let Others, Even Haters Know it too. 😜🤔🤓🤐🤡😈😇🤣😬😬😬😬💁

Vision Of Surrender.

Blue sky, few clouds. Ocean far, ocean wide, no shores to be found. On my back, arms and legs stretched way out. Floating upon calm waves..rocking me to hushed sleep...above these deep seas. Nothing in my power. All is well. I let go. I surrender to this river. Arms stretched..legs out...face to the sky. I … Continue reading Vision Of Surrender.

To Zoloft or Not to Zoloft?

I have been on generic Zoloft now since getting prego. If one has read any of my previous posts, they might have seen how life has been like hell for me, both mentally and emotionally. I have always struggled with depression and anxiety, but the anxiety has been so intense it almost borderlines psychosis. To … Continue reading To Zoloft or Not to Zoloft?

Gang Banging in the Pews.

I see in myself this same pattern one finds when teens choose gangs. That longing for belonging, leadership, purpose. When the family unit does not seem to give what is needed or presumed needed, one ventures off to find it elsewhere. And though that elsewhere may not be healthy, the feeling of belonging and significance … Continue reading Gang Banging in the Pews.

I don’t Know What This Is

God, often I wonder what you think of me, Cuz I know what I think of me. And lately I've been fighting, some demons and it's frightening. Too much thinking in the night time, in the morning nothing looks right. Legendary Abstract Who's to say? She's all that! Broken homes, too many fights Booze and … Continue reading I don’t Know What This Is

Does God Want us Whole or Adherents?

As I sat here praying, I asked God what He felt about my interest in other spiritual leaders. Some of whom my old self would have considered heretical or wolves in sheep's clothing. Was it dangerous to my soul? Am I being led astray, along a winding path toward hell? Or is there also truth, … Continue reading Does God Want us Whole or Adherents?

Consume

"Whatever the field of physical or moral sciences you deal with, you will be given no rest by the mass of things to be learnt or investigated. And to enable matters of this range and scale to find unrestricted hospitality in our minds, everything superfluous must be turned out. Virtue(for example), will not bring herself … Continue reading Consume

Weeping at Jesus’s Table

I am having images of me and Jesus at His table again. In the home. (See previous posts about Jesus and I at His table). We are in our typical seats. I have myself pulled up to the table and my left ear pressed against it. My arms are down in my lap. And I … Continue reading Weeping at Jesus’s Table

👀Awake Oh Sleeper!

I will say this, all the wrong attidudes and things I've condemned in others: greed, self-centeredness, gossip, accusations, pride, hypocrisy, lusts, materialism, comparison..you name it; I've likewise found in me. They may not manifest in the same ways or they might vary in degrees..but at their core, they are of the SAME spirit.

Me on a Thinking Tangent: Nothing New.

I have grown and learned more from struggle, than anything else in life. This is the paradox of suffering and want. It has made me more humane. It has forged within me more compassion and gratefulness, than any fine thing. It has opened my eyes to what really matters, and what things are just not … Continue reading Me on a Thinking Tangent: Nothing New.

Karma Sowing Seed

I've come along way from where I was, and I'm still very much undone. One of the many lessons I've been experiencing over the last few years, is the principle of sowing and reaping, or what some call karma. And I have found it very much alive and well! The unexpected thing I've found though, … Continue reading Karma Sowing Seed

Just a Little Late Night Rhyming ( My feelings on keeping up with the Janes and Jones)

If I wanted all of that..best believe I'd make it happen If I needed that ...cash is what I'd be after You see it's not poverty or depravity that has a hold on me But I'm after something that transcends all that's relevant to these earthly chics I need a little more depth to my … Continue reading Just a Little Late Night Rhyming ( My feelings on keeping up with the Janes and Jones)

9-20-2019

Will you love me in my brokenness When I have nothing else to give but these moments in... Conversations and contemplation...about what life is.. All I have is.... Me Be-ing That's all I can give Here I am One in a million.. Not like them... Very different Up up away....earth bound...hell no No limits All … Continue reading 9-20-2019

Considering My Ailments lol

I can't really put into words what anxiety and depression(whatever really inflicts me) are like. Torment is close. An agitation deep within..like being poked with a pointy finger over and over again...but beneath your chest..where ones emotions rest... Or a pingpong ball pinging rapidly throughout me. Bouncing off one side, to the next..this way and … Continue reading Considering My Ailments lol

Christianity: Should Be, by Some Dude named Babcock

Christianity~ Is not a voice in the wilderness, but a life in the world. It is not an idea in the air but feet on the ground, going God's way. It is not an exotic thing, to be kept under glass, but a hardy plant to bear twelve months of fruits in all kinds of … Continue reading Christianity: Should Be, by Some Dude named Babcock

My God

If there is one thing I can say with full conscience confidence.. Is that I have saught You diligently. Like the Hound Of Heaven in my own sense..I've been in pursuit of You.. I have been discouraged, but never forsaken. I've been mistaken, but You never have left me. I may have been blinded, but … Continue reading My God

High Times. Unconscious Rhyming

Can I lose my mind for some time? What if I lost all self-control for a bit? What would you think of ya chic? If I decided to get real legit..100..per cent..I don't think they ready for this See they ain't neva considered this kind of sublime...it's so unlike...all they've ever witnessed.. Lost minds.. They … Continue reading High Times. Unconscious Rhyming

Shark Attacks and Poverty

Am I wrong for being pissed off and resentful for the news covering anything but real life most the time? Like for months I've heard stories of people ate by sharks and those who've died ontop mountains...attacked by wild animals.. And this is sad. These are peoples lives...people matter..all people. But these are people that … Continue reading Shark Attacks and Poverty

Just My Thoughts

I'm so tired, I have no energy. I'm so drained from lack of good sleep, yet my running mind won't allow it..sleep. Even the prescribed meds fail me. For the most part. They have offered some help..better than I was. My thyroid is all out of whack again. This makes me feel constantly sickly. So … Continue reading Just My Thoughts

……

I don't understand how people think that those with depression are suppose to just be OK? Just pull themselves up and out of it, as if it's simple. As if it's brought on by self. I wish I could pop a magic pill, say a certain prayer and I would be your kind of "normal." … Continue reading ……

World: Asking Me..for More than I have to give.

I'm so tired of all these voices(nouns), asking something of me. I have nothing to give, be gone from me. I go to seek rest..and you come looking for me. There is no where to hide, here you come expecting more from me. I attempt to muffle your cries, but there is no smothering thee. … Continue reading World: Asking Me..for More than I have to give.

This Kind of Tired.

This is the kind of tired that lays down in a ball and can't get up.. That has no more energy to think...to function...to keep up with it all.. This is a kind of tired that gives up caring...that gives up This is the kind of tired that have sent many to end their own … Continue reading This Kind of Tired.

Call it What You Must

Over the course of my life, mostly as an adolescent but also a few times as an adult; I've had others think I was seeking attention. Whether it be from my loudness, hyperactiveness, complaining, sobbing at church..whatever And though some of those behaviors may stem from some subconscious need to be heard and seen; they … Continue reading Call it What You Must

Within

Lord, I am tired of all the voices. All the he said she said. All the "opinions" and "facts". I still haven't a clue because the voices are so different. They cannot agree. They speak of only their differences from the other..why they are right..and they are wrong. There is no soundness..they all are confused. … Continue reading Within

Jesus and My Tantrum

So sometimes I have these scenes I go through with me and Jesus. And today(read previous post) is one of those days. In these scenes I am with Him and usually talking or resting in this house (see other posts on this of mine). Today though we are in my house and also another room. … Continue reading Jesus and My Tantrum

Life Today.

I hate myself today..and other days. I feel like a contradiction. The person I want to be, the mask I want others to see...then in private I can be..this person I despise. I am a complaining mess. Raging. Tired..sleep deprived wreck. Can't keep up. Not with the Jones's..I have no desire to fulfill my life … Continue reading Life Today.

Meditations: Book Two: On the River Gran Among the Quadi: 10

In comparing sins (the way people do) Theophrastus says that the ones commited out of desire are worse than the ones commited out of anger: which is good philosophy. The angry man seems to turn his back on reason out of a kind of pain and inner convulsion. But the man motivated by desire, who … Continue reading Meditations: Book Two: On the River Gran Among the Quadi: 10

Cause No Death(Sin)

It comes quite natural for me to let my negative feelings be known. Bitching, complaining, moaning. Airing out why life's unfair to me. Placing dishes in the sink a little louder than normal to express my frustrations. You get what I mean. Expressing myselt so others are aware. I've been trying to get better. As … Continue reading Cause No Death(Sin)

The Right Thing To Do?

I catch my spiritual life being a lot more simpler lately. I have always tried to complicate it. Make it managed, controlled, systematic. But lately I find God telling me to , "just BE" anytime my mind gets to racing and I want to make Him and life more technical and doctrinal than He prob … Continue reading The Right Thing To Do?

Jesus and Velveeta

I made a rotel dip. Today I was left with the remnants: rock solid, dried up, caked on cheese dip on several dishes. Me being me, "why not just discard it"? Throw the hole dang thing away, bowl and all! Wouldn't be the first time. But, I decided to be more resourceful and put them … Continue reading Jesus and Velveeta

Oh Faithful Church Folk.

Where have we sent people? After getting pregnant, I remember running into someone I had known from the church system I had originally came to Christ in. This system is very legalistic. You do. Or you don't. I remember she asked me, was I going back to church? Was I attending somewhere? She was not … Continue reading Oh Faithful Church Folk.

My Struggle with Mental Illness.

I would say my biggest discouragement/hurt when it comes to battling mental illness(depression, anxiety, presumed BPD); has been getting others to understand or even believe me. Unlike physical ailments that can be more readily diagnosed and recognized by the layman; this stuff is not so. It cannot be X-rayed, tested, put in a petri dish, … Continue reading My Struggle with Mental Illness.

There’s NO Excuse for Mental Illness

There is no excuse for mental illness Twisted, demented, stigma My whole life I've been mislabeled, fed RX's, drugged and numbed in attempts to fix it. There's no excuse for mental sickness God forbid you can't pick yourself up out of bed when the morning arrives..it's amazing enough you survived the cold of night..alive God … Continue reading There’s NO Excuse for Mental Illness

Who do you say that I am?

Life has been crazy for me lately. Possibly more on the inside of me than anything; the outside chaos is just the product. Really though, I've been in self-pity mode. Crying "mercy", as if life has me pinned to the ground, arm contorted behind my back. I am in that run mode. Flight..screw the fight..it's … Continue reading Who do you say that I am?

The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil

Oh how we take pride in ourselves! Our understanding, our wisdom, our achievements, our advancements..our own precepts...our own, our own, our very own ways of "knowing." The I am, we are; compared to them, they, he and she. The pride in separation!! The lies of..better than. The arrogance in the blame..the..this is mine..how dare they … Continue reading The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil

Jesus and The Map

I sit back praying and asking Jesus about this map that I seen while in prayer a while back(see previous post); and this is the insight I've gained: The map in a sense, represents the world. Or one's quest to understand the world. And the things on the map represent life: the "stops" along the … Continue reading Jesus and The Map

At Home With Jesus Again

Had another visit with Jesus in the house(see an earlier post with same title). This time it was a lot briefer. He was in His usual chair and I in mine, at the large table. Spread across the length of the table was a map. I was busy focused on this map; and all I … Continue reading At Home With Jesus Again

Give Them the Flowers Now: by Leigh M Hodges

Closed eyes can't see the white roses, Cold hands can't hold them, you know Breath that is stilled can not gather, The odors that sweet from them blow Death with a peace beyond dreaming, It's children of earth doth endow Life is the time we can help them, So give them the flowers now! Here … Continue reading Give Them the Flowers Now: by Leigh M Hodges

Christians?

As I sit here and ask God, "what does abiding in You look like?" "What does not being conformed to this world look like?" It amazes me, how different His answers seem to be, compared to what I've been taught and told. From what I thought and expected. From how I've been. Almost everything has … Continue reading Christians?

Rebel

I feel a need to rebel against the system All that the world tells me to be..it's invested interests. Consumerism..fueld by "new and innovative" inventions...to keep your subscription. I want to make my own damn decisions.. Long nails, high heels, name brand, fake tan, long hair don't care..this figure..that slender..thick chic..wide hips...shit is twisted. All … Continue reading Rebel

Change

We can only hide for so long. We can only cover up..mask it..for a moment. We can only practice behavior modification for a time..but before we know it..all comes to the light. It can be so deceitful..even to our very selves. We can make others believe..we can make-believe..we can pretend..for so long..that even we believe. … Continue reading Change

At Home With Jesus: Visions and Scenes.

So last year sometime, I began practicing contemplative prayer and allowing Jesus to speak to me. Primarily through pictures and images. And ever since then, most of the time, these "scenes" center around a home. A home where Jesus and I live. And this home is what my idea of a safe, cozy place would … Continue reading At Home With Jesus: Visions and Scenes.

Visions of Jesus ❤ He speaks.

I was reading a morning devotional and it was about believing God's love for us. Trusting it. Receiving it. How our personal ideas and views of God are central to our lives...how we live and feel about ourselves and the world around us. The devotional instructed me to ask God to give me a song … Continue reading Visions of Jesus ❤ He speaks.

Apologies

I've gotten better at apologising. It's not always been easy. But, it has gotten better. Something did hit me today concerning apologies though, and how I tend to go about them. There are many times I see the self centeredness in them. My apologies that is. I catch myself wanting to do it, because it … Continue reading Apologies

Empty Calories (Spiritual).

For a while now, longer than I'd like to admit(because I have not listened); I've felt Jesus reminding me..to "come to Him.", to "come and drink", "lay my burdens down", "come boldy before the thrown of grace"...abide..eat....dine. He's been reminding me that it is IN HIM I find my strength, my answers, my spiritual cravings … Continue reading Empty Calories (Spiritual).

When God speaks directly to your circumstance.

I never open this devotional..it's been a long time. Crazy because my 9 month old drug some books of my shelf..and while picking them up I decided to read this. If you see my last post you will see the significance. 1. Of my baby being the one pulling out the books..yet providing the answer(My … Continue reading When God speaks directly to your circumstance.

Why Can’t I be Stonger?

I have come to moan. To have a pitty party. May I? Why can't I be stronger? Why can't I handle life like other's? I have many reasons life is hard, but I see others in similar situations making it. Or more! Killing it! Single motherhood or maybe just life, has the best of me. … Continue reading Why Can’t I be Stonger?