I want to be free from these pains that keep me from being a loving, kind, hopeful person.
I am finding it difficult trying to persuade myself that my mind is the problem. That I can’t trust my own view of things.
I'm listening to The BadChristian Podcast | #534 Republican Jesus on Podbean, check it out! https://www.podbean.com/ea/dir-ecsnf-b2b9add
I have to accept that I am a “sinner”. A broken man In need of more than I can perform by my human hands I have to be OK with this wretched man; not to want to stay the same...but to understand His pains and aches and all that quakes His rage and shame and … Continue reading Today
I don’t seem to even fight thoughts of dying anymore I welcome it I want it
Why would anyone consider suicide? For me, it was always about the relentless feeling inside. I've described it as best as I can in other posts. But, to keep it brief it is like a tormenting feeling inside of you. That makes you want to do anything to escape it. As I've gotten older, other … Continue reading Today
I think there are deep seated truths to my critiques of the church and it’s people. I just might not go about it all the right way. It’s not resentment; but a feeling of profound confusion from seeing what poverty and struggle is like first hand, and seeing how people respond to it.
Depression is not your ordinary melancholy sadness. It is far more long lasting. Far more debilitating and far more painful than a mood or attitude problem. It steals lives. And the lives of those connected to its oppressed. It is much deeper. It is profound sorrow. People don’t understand why many would choose death over … Continue reading Clinical Depression
I need stillness, I need quite, I need silence to get by....and I seldom ever get this So much shit All around me It don’t quit I can’t handle too many noises.... what is it, I don’t get it I need limits I tried to fix this I went everywhere and to everyone imaginable in … Continue reading Today
Unfortunately, most my holidays are spent having flashbacks and being nervous for the present ones. Mine have been known to be filled with arguing, drunkenness, not eating because everyone fought too much before the food was done, and the ever present fear of shit escalating and pistols once again being pointed at heads. It’s always … Continue reading Holiday PTSD
“I am my own muse. The subject I know best. The subject I want to know better,” ~Frida Kahlo
What if I told you I don’t want to do this no more? Like really don’t. Would you get it? Would you get that I’ve fought, and fought as hard as I can imagine? Would my fight be enough for you? Would you believe I want to be this happy person, this doting mother, this … Continue reading Today
The Quest for the Historical Paul - Biblical Archaeology Society — Read on http://www.biblicalarchaeology.org/daily/people-cultures-in-the-bible/people-in-the-bible/the-quest-for-the-historical-paul/
Language is man made. If you couldn't use words, definitions, lingo or logic?...How would you then speak/relate/feel out God? Shhhhhh——-listen....hush——-be still. No comprehension, limitless.
Life, the great dilemma. Where you are the hero, the villain, the god and the victim.
Me: God, I’m so neurotic. I’ve always been so negative... God?: Start praising everything. Sing praises of what good you see, in people and in things. See only the good, even in your thought life.... Me: 😒....
We are all living in judgement; and we are the judges, judging.
I've had my fists raised towards the heavens and I've been cursing at them lately. Like Job, I am prone to question the goodness and kindness of a God who allows so much carnage. As I pondered this the other night, the story of God giving men dominion over the whole earth came to mind. … Continue reading Wondering Aloud
My minds a rebel, yeah she’s a bitch She starts all the trouble, on her thrown she sits.
We must not raise our fists in rage hollering, conquer them, conquer them. No more for them!! We must join hands, hang our heads and whisper, heal our lands, heal our lands. All of them.
Understanding the Other: Mentalizing with Attachment Theory | Psychology Today — Read on http://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-freedom-change/202010/understanding-the-other-mentalizing-attachment-theory?amp
God, why would you want me? Because I love what’s broken. That don’t make sense though.... It never does.
I’m afraid of what might happen when the pain pills they gave me fade away and I am left to my own to numb it. The physical pain is doable, the fact it likewise dulls the emotions, this is what I fear.
Note: I think a lot of what I write are projections. It has taken me a long time to understand this. But, I am trying to figure out how all that works. So with that said, keep in mind that much of this stuff is what I should be preaching to myself alone, I just … Continue reading Ah Shit
Play — Read on http://www.wandtv.com/content/tncms/live/
It would be nice to find a place to lay in the sun and give up the ghost.
The Uniquely Kingdom Approach to Abortion The unique Kingdom approach to abortion doesn’t focus on figuring out the “right” political solution, getting “the right” candidates into office or getting the “right” bills passed. As with everything else about the Kingdom, it rather focuses on manifesting the self-sacrificial love of God towards women with unwanted pregnancies … Continue reading Abortion and Kingdom People, excerpt by Greg Boyd.
I wish I would have cherished them more; those little moments, that at the time being, you don’t realize are little moments... It is a paradoxical blessing: having to rely completely on God.
When we are able to help a mother deal with her mental health, we are essentially reaching the whole family," says author Dr. Marian Earls.
If we are going to compare and contrast each others spiritual lives, then it should be on relatively similar grounds. Stormy seas typically do rock the boat and cause fear and dread to arise. And when the sky is blue we feel a little more at ease right? Even Thomas and Peter, John the baptist, … Continue reading The Vine and It’s Branches
It’s not that I want my world to change(the things around me). Even though I complain and it may seem that way. But in reality, I just want this pain inside to subside. It’s not a subtle thing, it’s intense. Like an itch... That you can’t quite scratch, yet it doesn’t itch.... It pan-ics It … Continue reading Anxiety
Jesus Jesus Save me save me Jesus Jesus Change me change me I’m not who I want to be Mentally nor emotionally Stormy seas Speak peace Hush me Jesus Jesus Forgive me I’m not who I want to be Light emptied Pretending Not even that anymore They see me I feel like whatever has hit … Continue reading Today
I’ve noticed I’ve become somewhat numb to death lately. Maybe it’s just that I don’t fear it like I once did? Or my views of the afterlife have changed? Four people around my age recently died. All within the last several months. Two of them I was closer to, the other two were a former … Continue reading Life and Death
"It is better to do wrong seldom and to own it, and to act right for the most part, than seldom to admit that you have done wrong and to do wrong often." ~Epictetus
Am I exposing to many truths, like ego self abuse? Or is this what really is 100 proof? I’ve found there is release in mentioning all my many many tragedies..even if many are actually quite stigmatizing and possibly embarrassing 💁🏻🙈 But shit, it is what is, and this is my fucking reality. At times it’s … Continue reading Tonight
I'm honestly really tired. I am ready. I don't want to be living this anymore. Constant ache, constant pain. I can't keep up. I finally feel bold enough to be OK with the thought of non-existence. Esp when the whole of one's existence has been more torment of mind and emotions inside than anything else. … Continue reading Today
God here I am again, I'm tired and I'm over it I am ill equipped to handle this I don't get it, I'm a deficit There is no joy, I can't find it I feel lost....inside this I am not human.this can't be it You made them stronger, I'm something less than Cuz as much … Continue reading Today
Enter at your own risk, I'm lost in thought and have no script I think a lot, I'm prone to fits I've been fucked up, still at 36 I feel like Rogue, that X-Men chic I have to watch who I touch, who I open up with I mean well, but my mind is a … Continue reading I’ve Told you Before, I Don’t Know What it is, So you Title It.
How do I find help, Without time for myself? People are under vast amounts of stress, in who knows what particular areas... it’s all personal, contingent upon so much. Those that need help, have to find methods that work well for them, and then be consistent and also make time for it. Who has time … Continue reading Today
Grace, you’ll carry us. Today marks exactly one year since I took my last antidepressant medication. Yesterday I got a big fat rejection and it still…PAINSTAKINGLY TRANSITIONING.
The best way I can express these things today, is in these unspoken words I say I am fucking a nut case and I know it, got a few screws loose I might show it Don't worry I ain't too sturdy, a lot of bark a little bite..just ...quirky..just hurting I have had a rage … Continue reading By Best Attempts at Describing It.
God all I can ask, is help me love again. Put it deep down in my heart, let it be real within. May your light expel the darkness in this soul..Light shine in. Jesus enter here...show me where love begins......
The things that happened to Jesus the Nazarene, who was a prophet mighty in deed and word before God and all the people, … we were hoping that he …Jesus on the road to Emmaus. The model of spiritual accompaniment.
God, I find it hard to believe you love me yet still...still through all my inconsistencies.... Not too many men, will love a man, through all of their inconsistencies...their many, many inconsistencies...................
The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science. He to whome this "emotion" is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder, or stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead. His eyes are closed. ~Albert Einstein
I love Greg Boyd: Apologies & Explanations | What About People Who Live Christlike Lives Who Know Nothing About Christ?, let's play it! https://www.podbean.com/ea/dir-6m35v-87dd669
"The opposite of loving your neighbor is not always hating them, but just being indifferent to them." ~Jim Wallis
I love Reclaiming Jesus Now with Jim Wallis | What About Jesus?, let's play it! https://www.podbean.com/ea/dir-mr57e-6e49c63
Like the blind beggers they want to silence me. They don't understand the desperation. The reason for wailing, for my lament. The hopeless can be so persistent it makes others think different...Jesus, should we shut them up!? They cry out to us, but Jesus' you don't need that stuff. They cry, they moan, like madmen..we … Continue reading Send Whom Lord?
You will never have the other, those unlike you...draw near, come close, feel welcomed; as long as you continue to treat them..unlike you. She replied, “That’s true, Lord, but even the dogs under the table are allowed to eat the scraps from the children’s plates.”Mark 7:28
"Everyone once to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.." Bishop Michael Curry.
America...Church..Our false certitudes...anything
I love The Way of Love with Bishop Michael Curry | Turning from Ego to Love with Richard Rohr, let's play it! https://www.podbean.com/ea/dir-9fvq5-931512d
We can be sincere. Yet so sincerely wrong. Sigh. Sincerity, sincerity ..oh how you encourage and deceive me. You are an energy that I believe in..yet I don't always comprehend .... In sincerity I lift up and also crush. Help me see when my sincerity is, sincerely wrong....and help me to know what righteousness and … Continue reading Sincerity
If more than anything, Jesus was showing us how to commune with both God and fellow man. How to broaden our narrow horizons of self and affiliations..and BE love. He was showing us how to get out of our heads and into our hearts. How to live again. He emphasized the importance of relationships. Acceptance … Continue reading The Name of Jesus is an Action… not bound by language, interpretation, nor definition. No proper articulation, other than representation…
That's where I want you to be; unsure-yet still trusting me. Having tasted enough, to know... Yet not needing to know... Just knowing, that I Am. And, you are. Knowing, I am More than you need, and always enough.. Not needing certainty of mind...but honesty of heart.. I Am here and there, always. Let your … Continue reading Jesus
The Kingdom of Heaven, starts with YOU. You see, that mustard seed, that grain of wheat..is YOU. We want to see the harvest. We want to see the progress. We want to reach the masses, not realizing..death is in letting go..of all those expectations and ego boosters. That seed(beginning/new way/new life) is first buried. Unseen. … Continue reading Today: Heaven is…(need to edit still)
We (went ahead and) accepted membership(as the thing); but not discipleship. ~Tony Evans
I love Awaken2Now (See Thru Oppositional 2’s) | Releasing -Brisn Jett, let's play it! https://www.podbean.com/ea/pb-pfpjy-dfeb2f
I love Turning to The Mystics with James Finley | Questions About the Practice, let's play it! https://www.podbean.com/ea/dir-txbcu-8dace72
I love Ask NT Wright Anything | #37 Is the world doomed? Global justice and climate change, let's play it! https://www.podbean.com/ea/pb-85k9z-dd33a9
Not all critique is meant to condemn or destroy; but is necessary for rebirth and reform. It's the sting of death that brings new life.
Not all that we call holy, is holy; and not all whom we call dogs, are dogs.
I love The Bible For Normal People | Episode 128: Matthias Henze - The Bible & Second Temple Judaism, let's play it! https://www.podbean.com/ea/pb-dpnud-dc1fe3
Are we hearing; or is this just playing by the rules?
My Lord, My God, please take away this fear. I have no more to blame, no answers here. I’ve sought out my oppressors, the legends behind my questions I am bankrupt, in more ways than one. I have no fortune here. My life has been akin, to a weight upon ones heart. Heavy ache...I can’t … Continue reading Tonight
Clutter clutter, clear out the clutter All this stuff, does also drug ya Clutter clutter, I did not stutter Numb ya, dumb ya...clutter clutter Pointing at the next man..with the.... brown paper bag man You high, rocked to sleep, unaware of your own damn addictions.. puff puff drag drag Clutter clutter. Consume and It’ll make … Continue reading Clear Out..In and Out
No one's to blame. It's a cycle. A cycle of brokenness. Sin is it. The enemy to us. Not another. The way to conquer sin, is through love. The power of self-sacrificial, self-denying, all accepting, adopting, unrelenting, merciful love. Christ like love. Laying down myself for someone else. I can't change the world. At least … Continue reading Reincarnate it..or Put an End to it
I love Nomad Podcast | Brian Zahnd - Christians in the Age of Trump (N188), let's play it! https://www.podbean.com/ea/dir-7iep9-55ab234
We’ve been taught religion; but not the art of Christ like loving and living.
Most my adult life I've been asking, "where are you God"? Today, I felt like God was asking ME the same thing. Where am I? Am I running or hiding in my shame or guilt like Adam and Eve? Am I distracted by many things like Martha? Am I stuck in my head unable to … Continue reading Where are you God?
I love Wild Goose | Pete Enns & Jacqui Lewis, let's play it! https://www.podbean.com/ea/dir-j8g5q-89c52af
I think a lot on it, I study, I gather info. I read about it, I listen and watch lectures, podcasts, vidoes and testimonials; but I rarely put it into practice: that which brings me freedom.
I love Ask NT Wright Anything | #36 Has the resurrection been debunked?, let's play it! https://www.podbean.com/ea/pb-xdw75-daede5
"....Daniele Bolelli once gave me a helpful metaphor. He explained that training was like sweeping the floor. Just because we’ve done it once, doesn’t mean the floor is clean forever. Every day the dust comes back. Every day we must sweep." ~Ryan Holiday, The Ego Is the Enemy
One good reason too, why we should endure the absence (of others, friends, family, etc) patiently is the fact everyone of us, is absent to a great extent from his friends even when they are around. ~Seneca
Oh the time wasted. Chasing certainty, understanding, a belief. Debating, accumulating knowledge to confirm what I had been TOLD and TAUGHT. Study study Jesus the subject Yet nothing was done..not much.. that resembled His teaching. I was fulfilled Yet others left lacking It was about my getting it right...while those precious lives and hearts all … Continue reading Today
Sometimes I hope you would just...cry upon my shoulder. It's perfectly normal to need someone to hold ya. Freedom rings... Sweet symphonies When you let go of what's holding ya... Fear, pride, trauma, lies... Be human..cry For it is death that brings life.
"When you can be present, you will know the Real Presence. I promise you this is true. And it is almost that simple." ~ Richard Rohr
This is life, it's complicated. We're all complicated. Give a little mercy.
"A mark of spiritual growth is when we stop polishing the mask and instead start working on our character." Christopher L. Heuertz, Richard Rohr Start reading this book for free: https://a.co/dwn9uW3
Richard Rohr - “Every unrealistic expectation is a resentment waiting to happen.”
I love Language of God | Peter Enns | God is Not a Helicopter Parent, let's play it! https://www.podbean.com/ea/pb-dbxdr-b11b0c
I love The Next Right Thing | 32: Stop Collecting Gurus, let's play it! https://www.podbean.com/ea/dir-f4mk8-3da17cb
You say, "make a change"; but where are you participating? With more than a voice? ............... I can tell you now, that the majority of violent crimes are committed by overwhelmed, misunderstood, lost and hopeless, misguided individuals. And I can tell you with confidence, that most every single one of those above said individuals, at … Continue reading You Cry, “Stop the Violence!” Yet What are YOU Gonna do About it?
I love Turning to The Mystics with James Finley | Instructions for The Practice, let's play it! https://www.podbean.com/ea/dir-6s2as-80e1cc5
I love Ask NT Wright Anything | #34 An Evening With NT Wright live in London, let's play it! https://www.podbean.com/ea/pb-9vf8u-d7de03
Learning, that you have to hear first; in order to speak your turn. (Let that speak to you how you want. 🤔)~Sam
Listen to The Misery of My Iniquity by Samantha Hill on #SoundCloud https://soundcloud.com/samantha-hill-612962878/the-misery-of-my-iniquity
Why would I not want us to be anything, but one? Unified? Just remember, ...you can come as close as you want to. You choose. Freedom has always awaited you, I've been calling, beckoning you, I am life, I renew. Fear is the thing you hold on to... Bondage, torment, it holds you like darkness. … Continue reading Contemplation Now.
I was having a moment of self pity yesterday; as I tried to get the house clean while my toddler demolished it all right behind me again.. What was just set right..thrown unsympathetically into disarray again. Nothing new right? And as I got lost in that moment;that "whoa is me and my mundane life!"...the never … Continue reading Today
For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross. Colossians 1:19-20 ESV https://bible.com/bible/59/col.1.19-20.ESV
Words thus thoughts, are all man-made. Concepts, concrete, solid shades Seek to be Spirit filled, led and bathed For from the soul, the path is paved Energy of love, of hope, of peace Real realities are felt, not seen. Breathed, exhaled experienced..unachieved. Eternal beings, on dusty feet. Walk in Spirit and in Truth; and From … Continue reading Meditation, Prayer, Seeking God. Where is He?
Western society has defined faith and belief in God as a cognitive thing. I way of thinking. A certainty of knowing...comprehending..explaining .. We must control it, have to "get it", are afraid to have it wrong, but quite certain we all have it right. What if faith though, is to be seen as what we … Continue reading Today..
I want to do better, I want to do right. But what is better, but progression and what is right, but perfection? The journey is the lesson. Looking back in retrospection. Self reflection of my transgressions...only fear and folly in introspection. Resurrection Resurrection Lift me above, free me from..self induced insomnia... Rest Rest Rest and … Continue reading Today
I don't understand what I'm doing Lord, and I'm sorry. I don't quite get these convictions, more like inflictions....and I am sorry. I respond accordingly, to the burn beneath and I am left wondering what it all could mean... If this is not you Oh My God, then remove if far from me! But it … Continue reading Today..
One may be quite surprised at how clearly and often He speaks, when man made interferences, distractions, and clutter are eliminated from daily life. We make it mundane.
One good reason death to self, being last, self-sacrifice, and carrying ones cross; can all be symbolized by crucifixion..is because crucifixion is to the body, what self denial is to the ego. We will do anything before choosing to crush/insult ego. It is the most "excruciating" thing. We will even firmly believe our own reasonings … Continue reading The First Will Be Last 🤔
My son is in the other room ready for my attention as I clean the toilet. Another day, another, duty, another innate object of my affection While my son longs for me.. The parable of Martha and Mary is brought to mind. How often we relate of course Martha with ourselves, and Jesus...well with Jesus. … Continue reading
Not a word, not a peep Let the quite speak for me. Not a ruffled feather, talk is cheap. Only stillness, only peace, only what the world really deeply needs.
Old lady, why don't you like me? Is it cuz I'm still young and flashy? Because I got more years ahead and less behind me? Why do you mind me? Is it your own loss of youth that reminds you? I've done nothing to provoke you, what is it that bugs and bites you? Old … Continue reading Time