How do I find help, Without time for myself? People are under vast amounts of stress, in who knows what particular areas... it’s all personal, contingent upon so much. Those that need help, have to find methods that work well for them, and then be consistent and also make time for it. Who has time … Continue reading Today
Mama said it took the edge off So I went and got a bottle, poured a glass and partook until the pain within my head was quieted, and the days looked brighter up ahead. Mama was right..as she had said.
I'm learning to not mind being as authentic as possible. As a gift to myself if anything. Being true to myself, my reality. Why lie to the crowd? Why be someone else or pretend I am keeping up with the Jane's and Jones's, when I'm really a hot mess? Why does wearing a painted mask … Continue reading Embrace You. The REAL You. And Love it Enough to Let Others, Even Haters Know it too. 😜🤔🤓🤐🤡😈😇🤣😬😬😬😬💁
I am having images of me and Jesus at His table again. In the home. (See previous posts about Jesus and I at His table). We are in our typical seats. I have myself pulled up to the table and my left ear pressed against it. My arms are down in my lap. And I … Continue reading Weeping at Jesus’s Table
I want to be more than just a body..a hot topic I want to be free from all the drama..external problems..they be robbing Chasing after beauty....an un-ending journey..that only keeps you thirsty...no fountain of youth..you keep searching...to reclaim your worthy-ness Just like all the rest...anxious quest for better-thans Fabricated mannequins...dressed to impress or undressed..less they … Continue reading Ladies Ladies Ladies..and Guys too.
I can't really put into words what anxiety and depression(whatever really inflicts me) are like. Torment is close. An agitation deep within..like being poked with a pointy finger over and over again...but beneath your chest..where ones emotions rest... Or a pingpong ball pinging rapidly throughout me. Bouncing off one side, to the next..this way and … Continue reading Considering My Ailments lol
I'm so tired, I have no energy. I'm so drained from lack of good sleep, yet my running mind won't allow it..sleep. Even the prescribed meds fail me. For the most part. They have offered some help..better than I was. My thyroid is all out of whack again. This makes me feel constantly sickly. So … Continue reading Just My Thoughts
I don't understand how people think that those with depression are suppose to just be OK? Just pull themselves up and out of it, as if it's simple. As if it's brought on by self. I wish I could pop a magic pill, say a certain prayer and I would be your kind of "normal." … Continue reading ……
I'm so tired of all these voices(nouns), asking something of me. I have nothing to give, be gone from me. I go to seek rest..and you come looking for me. There is no where to hide, here you come expecting more from me. I attempt to muffle your cries, but there is no smothering thee. … Continue reading World: Asking Me..for More than I have to give.
Over the course of my life, mostly as an adolescent but also a few times as an adult; I've had others think I was seeking attention. Whether it be from my loudness, hyperactiveness, complaining, sobbing at church..whatever And though some of those behaviors may stem from some subconscious need to be heard and seen; they … Continue reading Call it What You Must
We are all just a bunch of broken, f-d up people unwilling to change. So full of ourselves that we can't see the shit in us that needs weeded out..because we are too sure that our "enemy": republicans, democrats, men, women, gay, straight, Muslim, Hindu, Christian, that domination, his addiction, her greed, their lust, those … Continue reading My F-d up Mind. I’m the one that has blinded eyes!!!! It is I!!!!!
So sometimes I have these scenes I go through with me and Jesus. And today(read previous post) is one of those days. In these scenes I am with Him and usually talking or resting in this house (see other posts on this of mine). Today though we are in my house and also another room. … Continue reading Jesus and My Tantrum
I hate myself today..and other days. I feel like a contradiction. The person I want to be, the mask I want others to see...then in private I can be..this person I despise. I am a complaining mess. Raging. Tired..sleep deprived wreck. Can't keep up. Not with the Jones's..I have no desire to fulfill my life … Continue reading Life Today.
I would say my biggest discouragement/hurt when it comes to battling mental illness(depression, anxiety, presumed BPD); has been getting others to understand or even believe me. Unlike physical ailments that can be more readily diagnosed and recognized by the layman; this stuff is not so. It cannot be X-rayed, tested, put in a petri dish, … Continue reading My Struggle with Mental Illness.
There is no excuse for mental illness Twisted, demented, stigma My whole life I've been mislabeled, fed RX's, drugged and numbed in attempts to fix it. There's no excuse for mental sickness God forbid you can't pick yourself up out of bed when the morning arrives..it's amazing enough you survived the cold of night..alive God … Continue reading There’s NO Excuse for Mental Illness
I love TED Talks Daily | I grew up in the Westboro Baptist Church. Here's why I left | Megan Phelps-Roper, let's play it! https://www.podbean.com/media/share/dir-avy39-562bbbb
I don't like who I am, when I'm with you. And I'm not here to point any fingers, to push blame, or accuse. It may sound so...but those are not my intentions. I just need to breathe..the truth sets us free..and this is MY truth..how I see...me..you..us...we. I miss the old me. When all that's … Continue reading Without You
I feel a need to rebel against the system All that the world tells me to be..it's invested interests. Consumerism..fueld by "new and innovative" inventions...to keep your subscription. I want to make my own damn decisions.. Long nails, high heels, name brand, fake tan, long hair don't care..this figure..that slender..thick chic..wide hips...shit is twisted. All … Continue reading Rebel
So last year sometime, I began practicing contemplative prayer and allowing Jesus to speak to me. Primarily through pictures and images. And ever since then, most of the time, these "scenes" center around a home. A home where Jesus and I live. And this home is what my idea of a safe, cozy place would … Continue reading At Home With Jesus: Visions and Scenes.
I was reading a morning devotional and it was about believing God's love for us. Trusting it. Receiving it. How our personal ideas and views of God are central to our lives...how we live and feel about ourselves and the world around us. The devotional instructed me to ask God to give me a song … Continue reading Visions of Jesus ❤ He speaks.
I have come to moan. To have a pitty party. May I? Why can't I be stronger? Why can't I handle life like other's? I have many reasons life is hard, but I see others in similar situations making it. Or more! Killing it! Single motherhood or maybe just life, has the best of me. … Continue reading Why Can’t I be Stonger?
You ain't the only one with demons screaming..threatening your reason... You ain't the only one who holds on tight to sanity..trying to prove to the rest of humanity..that you too can overcome this "wicked man in me". You think I like to bring pain ..like it's my sick game..and I just can't wait to get … Continue reading My Own Demons
I love Son of a Preacher Man | Shame, let's play it! https://www.podbean.com/media/share/dir-fh92v-5390a60
I remember my last stent of darkness. Sadly is has been a familiar friend most of my life. But, it don't stick around like it use to..when The Light is here. When Jesus is welcomed. But there are times, when day becomes night again. Joy appears to be swallowed in fear...shame...insecurity..sin...giving up..and giving in. Hello..I'm … Continue reading He Loves Your Ugly
I wish I could simply...run away like you. To close my eyes and ears to all my problems...to shut myself in...and be alone. But it's more complicated than that. Unlike you, I have more than just myself...depending on me. More than just myself..to feed, bathe, clothe, house, teach, meet needs...keep alive. I can't give up … Continue reading Free Me
For the past half-decade and some, I've been trying to be it all. The very best I can. The example for Christ, the mother who understands, the friend who only sees the best in others, despite my thoughts telling me otherwise. The good sister, daughter, employee, citizen..you name it. I've been policing my every thought, … Continue reading F@*# It ALL..that’s how I feel today..and maybe I will tmrw too.